i'll guard you |✔️|

seventeen: trying is scary

saturday, january 30
3:41 pm

"You ready?" Miles asks, staring at the ceiling as I lay on his chest.

"No, not really. I don't wanna do it," I reply, knowing exactly what he's talking about.

"I get that, but you're gonna try, right?"

"I don't understand why I have to do this. I said I'm not ready and they are making me do it. They're literally doing the exact same thing he did."

"But this is to help you, not hurt you. You have to talk to somebody about it, angel. You can't just hold it all in."

"I am talking to someone. I'm talking to you."

"Okay, but you're not telling me everything. And I don't expect you to tell me everything. You just need to talk to someone you trust."

"I don't trust anybody. You know that. Especially not some new bitch who's gonna try to get all in my head, and fix me. I'm not some damn problem or a broken toy," I spit like venom at a woman I don't even know.

"Baby, look at me," Miles says, pulling my chin up. "You aren't a problem. You aren't a broken toy. But you are a human with feelings. When something happens to humans, majority of the time the first reaction is to act out. Go crazy, break shit, get in hella trouble. But you don't. You hold it in and act like it's okay. But it's not, J. It's not healthy. You have to let it out."

"But I did. I told them what happened. I let it out."

"No, you said it out."

"What?" I ask curious as to what he means.

"You didn't let it out. You said it out. You said what happened, but you didn't let it out."

"But what if I don't wanna let it out?"

"You don't have a choice. It's gonna come out one way or another. It's up to you whether it's in a good way or not."

"I just don't want people to feel bad for me. It happened. It's over. I've moved on."

"But you haven't, baby girl."

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't let it go. You can't just let something like that go. You have to process it," he sighs, looking back at the ceiling.

"Okay, then," I say sharply, rolling my eyes and moving off of him.

"Jordyn, come back," he groans, reaching toward me and trying to pull me into him.

"No, leave me alone. Don't you have practice today anyway?"

"Actually, no. Coach gave us a day off since we blew the eagles out yesterday."

"Well, don't you have somewhere else to be besides sitting in here with me?"

"Nope, cause that's all I want to do today. Cuddle with my angel," he says, kissing my neck and gently tickling me.

"Stop!" I laugh. "That's not funny. You know I could die if I laugh too hard. I could stop breathing."

"Don't worry. I'm not gonna kill you."

"Mhm."

I can't stay mad at him. I try and try, but it never works. Like never works. That scares me sometimes. You know, not being able to be mad. That leads to being close with someone. Getting attached to someone is fucking horrifying to me. My mind instantly goes to 'what ifs.' What if he leaves? What if he cheats? What if I'm not good enough? It's scary.