Imagines// Shawn Mendes

[21] I've never loved you

Cold, empty and confused.
When someone would ask me how I feel right now, that's exactly how.
I always thought that love would be easy,
I mean we always see these happy love stories in the movies or read about them in books.
But I think I got fooled.
We all get fooled.
Relationships should be about trust,
being honest with each other and love.
But what am I supposed to do when none of this is the case?
What if the person who should make me the happiest keeps on hurting me?

I know it's not Shawn's intention to hurt me, but still there wasn't even one day, without doubting our relationship.
We've now been together for about 3 months and when we started, he was so sure about it. So were all the people around me and I believed them.
That was my mistake.
The mistake getting convinced about dating the popular Shawn Mendes, who everyone dreams about.
I kept on telling me that it'll get better, that it's just a phase or that it's just in my head.
But I was wrong, so wrong.
I knew from the beginning, that he's a busy man, but he always told me, that he's gonna make time for me.

„Babe trust me, I won't ever get too busy for this relationship, you're my priority and I'll make time for you, for us, cause it's important to me."

I still remember this day when he told me this and with that he got me.
I believed him, I really wanted to believe him, but then my doubts jumped over me.
I started to change, really change and not in the good way.
Sometimes I didn't even know what breathing is, cause I had the feeling like someone just took all of the necessary air.
He always promised me to find time for me, that he'd face time me while he's on his way across the country or that he'll spend the time with me backstage after the shows.
But everything was more important.
Going out with his friends, getting drunk with some strangers or just any other stupid excuses.
But I always thought that this is normal, that he has a lot of pressure on him and that these things make him happy.
But actually I wanted to be the one who makes him happy, but he didn't let me.

So I made my decision, even if it sounds egotistical.
I really needed to safe myself out of this toxic relationship, even though I knew that I'll hurt him with that.
But he also hurt me, many times, too many times.
When the decision locked with my brain, an incredible feeling went over my whole body.
All of the weight went off of my shoulders and I had the ability again to breathe.
To let my mind wander wherever it wanted to, without getting interrupted with this relationship, with Shawn.

So I did it.
I broke up with the world famous Shawn Mendes.
I knew that breakups aren't supposed to be easy, but I never hated myself that much before.
I could see how his mood went from being happy to see me, to being really hurt. Well he was completely broken down.
And I felt bad, I'm still feeling so horrible for breaking his heart.
So he asked me if it broke my heart to tell him all this, but I needed to and was honest with him.
„How could you break my heart, when you never owned it"

I thought it was easy to move on then, to just forget him and try to focus on me again, but he's still Shawn.
He made it even worse when he called me at 3am, crying, telling me that he wants me back and that he's sorry for his mistakes.
That he didn't want to rush over me and that he loved me since the first day he has ever seen me.

But here I am again, being completely honest with him, I never loved him.