jeff fucking kills megamind

part one: rip sakaar

co-written by ratatoing_fan_69

•••

we begin our tale on earth, the year 1987. Jeff Goldblum is chilling on the set of the Fly when he receives a mysterious phone call. Jeff picks up the phone and instantly recognizes the voice as Megamind's father.

"What do you, uh, want Megamind's Father?" Jeff asks.

"Dude," says Megamind's father. "I fucking took over your planet."

Jeff is in a state of shock. He says to himself, "How did this man take over my planet? I had like, uh, so many guards on it."

Geena Davis walks into the room.

"Jeff Goldblum, what are you talking about?"

Jeff says, "You, um, you weren't supposed to hear this, but, uh, I, um, have a planet, by the way. You gotta tell everyone I'm, uh, sick or something."

Later on Sakaar...

Megamind's parents and all of the other Megaminds are on Sakaar now. They've killed everyone else. It is now 100% Megaminds. The weak were destroyed. Jeff walks into his palace, now clothed in his royal attire. Jeff immediately melts a Megamind with his melt stick. The rest of the Megaminds stand aside, allowing him to pass through them effortlessly. He walks through them to Megamind's father, the kingpin of the operation. He points at him and yells, "Hey, what the, uh, fuck, Megamind's father?!"

Megamind's father points back at him and replies, "Too late, Jeff Goldblum. Sakaar is Megamine now."

"Then, uh, your son will perish."

"Uh, that's bad and wrong. My son is on a planet you'll never find him on because we launched him out of a spaceship because we hate him."

"You're bluffing. I know that your son is your heir. I'm going to, uh, fucking destroy your bloodline."

"Do your worst, Jeff Goldblum."

Jeff Goldblum sprints from the room. Many other Megaminds begin to follow him but they are not fast enough. They can not follow him in this way. Jeff pulls out a glock and fucking shoots one of the Megaminds, destroying his Megamind. His head popped such as a balloon would.

"Gotta, uh, run, bitch."

Jeff goes to the lil ship area and he gets himself a ship. His favorite one. He departs from Sakaar and makes his way downtown back to earth. Jeff pulls up in whatever city Megamind is set in. He crashes his ship into Megamind's lair. Jeff emerges from the ship unharmed and finds Megamind staring at him. Megamind is very upset and angry. Jeff Goldblum is still in the clothes he was before. He did not change. This shocks and alarms Megamind. He is also alarmed by the glock in Jeff Goldblum's hand.

"Hey! Jeff Goldblum! What are you doing here?" Megamind exclaims.

Jeff says, "Well, uh, it's kind of a long story. Your father kind of took over my planet so, uh, it looks like I'm gonna have to kill you."

"No." Megamind states.

"Well, why not?" Jeff demands.

Megamind stutters, failing to come up with a reason as to not die by Jeff Goldblum's hand. The answer is clear. There is no reason.

He looks Jeff Goldblum in the eyes.

"I see no reason why you shouldn't kill me. I am a malevolent being. But shouldn't you just kill my father? Wouldn't that be easier?"

Jeff is taken back by this response. Jeff has always killed the sons of those he's despised. Jeff replies, "Because, uh, I don't want to. Killing your father would be, uh, too easy. And I'm Jeff Goldblum. I don't do easy."

Suddenly, Minion walks into the room.

"Yo, Megamind, what's going on?"

"Uh, I don't really know, dude. Jeff Goldblum just crash landed into my lair and now he's trying to kill me."

"Oh, okay." Minion replies.

He slowly backs out of the room, however Jeff is faster. Jeff Goldblum produces a shiny wrench from his robes and flings it across the room towards Minion. It strikes him in his fishbowl head, immediately resulting in his death.

"Dude, you can't just kill my guy!" Megamind yells.

and Jeff goes, "Well how about you try to stop me."

Megamind lunges at Jeff but he easily evades this attack. Megamind shouts at him.

"You're not gonna be able to capture me this easily!"

"Yes I am." Jeff replies.

He immediately captures Megamind.