The Gaze of Fear

Chapter 16: Tenderly Callous

     "Connor!" His heartbeat quickens as his eyes rip open, shooting up and taking a second to process the sudden wake up call. "Connor, you're going to be late for school!" He looks at his phone, realizing it was Friday. And here he thought the weekend finally arrived.

     After gathering his things and throwing himself together, he rushes downstairs and eats the eggs his mother made for him. "How'd you sleep?" He asks, washing the plate.

     "Alright. I got woken up by the dog but, what else is new? Now run along, the bus'll be here shortly." He hugs her as she rubs his back for a second and runs outside, waiting a few short minutes before boarding the yellow prison on wheels. As the trees and backroad cabins pass by outside, his headphones quietly serenade his eighteen-year old mind. Three more weeks and High School is in the rearview mirror. Just fifteen days. Fifteen.

     While he's lost all close friends over the last four years, either by way of cutting them loose or their families moving away, he still as one light in his life outside of family. The one reason he can stomach school at all, Nicole.

     Her blonde hair and blue eyes captivated him the moment he saw her. They hit it off almost immediately and have developed a relationship he didn't know possible. With an outlook on life of everything is temporary, but enjoy it anyway, he would do anything for her. Even if it meant death, not that it'll ever happen in his small town, he'd accept his fate for her. Is that love? Or admiration? Or maybe true friendship? No matter what it was, he didn't want to lose it. To risk it. Which is why they're still just that: Friends. When all else seems to fade so quickly for him, losing her because of so-called "emotions" is not something he's willing to gamble.

     "Hey Connor!" She sits across from him with that loving smile, bringing his depressive mind to the happy place only she knows the location of.

     "Hi!"

     "I'm thinking of dying my hair black. What would a good highlight be from a man's... ait, I had something else to say... OH! Right, okay, I'll get back to that, but I almost forgot! So, you know how I told you about my running for treasurer in the yearbook committee? Guess what?" Her hands move and clap and express so much excitement, its hard for him to not follow suit.

     "You got it?"

     "Yes! So get this right? Sean and Brandon both wanted Elyssa to take over, but instead they each voted for me, and the only reason why..." Connor zones out like he usually does when she begins to ramble, simple not knowing he's smiling as he gazes at her. Even at her worst she brings a certain bliss to his life, and she doesn't even know it. For all the bad he's gone through, all the abandonment and neglect, even when his other, brother and father became straining to him, the only others in his life he has, Nicole was there. She shone a light no matter what, and he never wanted it to fade. Never.

     "Isn't that great Leider?" He snaps back to reality, his smile becoming a confused smirk.

     "Yeah, b-but what did you call me?"

     "Leider! Leider, wake up. Come on, wake up."

     "W-what do you, I'm awake Nicole."

     "Leider, wake up!" She jumps forward and pins him to the seat, hands against his shoulders. Her tall figure, her height being that of his and skinny fingers, all putting pressure into him and immobilizing him. Her skinny body finds a new heaviness on top of him, keeping him in place. "Wake! Up! Don't make me be alone and just fucking, wake, UP!"

     Leider grabs Anna as he comes to and pushes her off, stumbling to his feet. His breathing is sporadic and mind racing, unable to balance himself. HE falls and knocks over a bottle of wine, now unable to push himself back up. "Leider! Please, c-calm down, it's-" She stops mid-sentence, Leider audibly crying on the floor, barley laying on his thin arms. "Leider?"

     "S-stop..." It hurts too much to talk. "Please... stop calling me that."

     She bends down and puts a hand on his back. "What... what did you dream of?"

     "FUCKING EVERYTHING!" HE looks up at her, his red, Osore eye unchanged, but his human eyes with tears streaming down. His body has barely healed, still overly thin and weak, though the broken bones have begun to heal. "The bus! The school! Nicole! WHO I WAS! Who I am... It's like I... I haven't been me. Just some person being used, and yet now I actually feel like myself. I..."

     "The Guider gave you some memories back. Lei-... uhm, I-I don't know you past. Us Osores, we're each separate from each other, besides being under his guidance. You-"

     "Connor. M-my name is Connor."

     "Right, Connor. You want to take it slow, please. Your body isn't-"

     "No, I need to go. I need to get out of here, she-" He goes to sit up but falls, grunting from the pain.

     "Please! Take it easy." He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling. Biting his half mouth, he sobs, rolling away from her. "Connor..."

     "It's my fault. She had so many other opportunities, she could have had someone different, my mother could have had it easier, and it's all because of me. And yet here I am, in some unknown place called Stravinglad, in some random house, part a group of survivors after something called The Opening, fighting Osores which are made of fucking fear, all under some guy names The Guider. Why the hell me? I have nothing to give, nothing about me is helpful, and I've abandoned my family, the survivors, and Nicole of all people without even a say in the matter." Finishing his rant, Ayana strokes his back, now lying on the floor behind him.

     "Don't worry. Everything happens for a reason, trust me. Have faith. If nothing else, trust me. Please. I know things don't make sense to you right now, and it may be a little while longer, but it will soon. Trust me." He holds himself, realizing she wrapped his body in some sheets and made make-shift clothing for him. Her touch brings him back to the memory of his mother, calming him a little.

     "Ayana?"

     "Yes?"

     "What does Caroline look like?"

     "I... don't remember. Why?"

     "She suddenly just feels so familiar... I-I'm so tired. Everything hurts and my head is spinning and I just..."

     "Shhh. Calm down. Rest. I'll be with you." They both drift off asleep, Ayanna holding him as he's curled up in her arms.