When the sun goes down.

FIVE

PLEASE READ

when you see this

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play the song above <3

I step into my house. the smell of Expensive liquor fills my nostrils. i walk across the hardwood floor and make my way to the kitchen. I really don't feel like this house is my home. i've never gotten big hugs and happy memories in this house that emily has at hers. i love emily i really do however she truly doesn't understand how it feels to not be wanted. i hate how my mother nor my father don't want anything to do with me. 

Personally it feels as if the only reason my mom wants me around is to lower my self esteem to make herself feel better. and my father uses me as a punching bag when he's mad. i Walk into the kitchen and i see my mother making super. Only enough for two.  i'm personally not surprised. She has a wine glass filled with red wine. I roll my eyes. i walk to the fridge and open it. there's nothing to eat besides leftover chinese from three nights ago. i frown. and i close the fridge a little to roughly.  

"Ashley? your home already?" my mother asks. ME and my mother look almost identical minus a few wrinkles and grey hair we could be twins. she's 5'5, wavy blonde hair, brown eyes, skinny. The only other thing we don't have in common is the way we look at things. i believe if your to have a child your supposed to love that child. Its the mother's responsibility to  figure out what she wants to do with her child and giving a child up for adoption is an option if your not ready to have kids. However my mother made the decision to keep me, but i feel as if she always uses it against me.  

'i've sacrificed so much for you goddamnit. you made me and old stretched out whore because you have such a goddamn big head' My mother had told me that when i was 14. No Wonder i have such low self esteem. i nod my head in my mother's direction signaling a yes. 

"Well you'll be fine if you don't eat super tonight, if anything sweetie i feel as if you could benefit from it."She smiles and turns back to the onions. i glare at her back and i don't know if its wrong but its moments like this where i wish my mother went out one day and never came back. i go upstairs and i lock my door. 

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Warning there will be some self harm in this part of the story. if you don't feel comfortable please exit of my story.  <3

a single tear slides down my face and i don't know if not feeling anything is bad at times like this. i wipe the tear off my cheek. however my eyes fuck me over in the end because they let another one slide down my cheek, and another. i take in a heavy sob and cry more. i open and close my fists. i don't know how to feel anymore im so empty. i cant breathe. 

"Fuck!" i scream as i grab a picture of me at a beauty pageant when i was eight and i throw it against the wall. when it smashes i feel a slight satisfaction but not enough. i swipe everything off of my desk and i hear a bunch of glass smash around me  i move to my closet and take everything off the hangers.  i take in a heavy breath. i leave the room and enter the upstairs bathroom. i open the top draw and i let another tear slide from my brown eyes and i look at myself in the mirror.sadly my mother is right, i shouldn't eat tonight. i open a little box and inside is a razor blade. i look into the hollow eyes. the girl i used to know last year is gone. even last year when my dad would hit me i would never be at this all time low. 

i place my foot on the toilet seat i lift my skirt a little bit and look at all the scars on my upper thigh. i lower the blade to my thigh and i press hard and slice. opening up my skin just like my heart everytime i open up  to someone. i breathe through my nose and let out a shaky breath. i cut again, and again. i cut until my life makes sense. i lower my foot and i cant feel my thigh. i grab a paper towel and slowly breathe in as i wipe away the blood on my leg. once it all dried i look in the mirror messy makeup and puffy red eyes. 

i'm pretty now

 and i guess they are right. 

pretty does in fact hurt.