The Slut and The Dork |✓

Chapter 14: The Heartbreak

"Of course I am," I say, standing up and taking a step toward him.

"Don't," he breathes out, holding his hand out, "I'm only here to tell you to leave me alone. I can handle doing to project with you but, I can't be friends or anything else with you."

"Do you remember the day at the beach house, when you told me you weren't like other guys," he nods in response to me, "well you were so right Justin, you aren't like other guys. I have seriously never felt like this with another person. I like you so much it actually physically hurts me. I want to be with you and not just for sex, I want a real relationship with you."

His eyes narrow at me before responding to what I had said, "then why did you fuck Mason the second I left the room. I just think you like toying with my emotions because I'm the easy target, I don't for a second believe that you have the capability to love someone."

"I was hurt! I did the only thing I knew how to do. You called me a slut and I was just proving you right. And guess what I didn't even finish, not even close." I take a step toward him and this time he doesn't pull away. I place my hand on his cheek before adding, "I think I like you much more than I thought was possible."

His hand snakes up to mine before harshly grabbing it off his cheek. With my hand still in his, he looks deeply into my eyes, "fuck you, Blythe," and with that, he drops my hand and walks away from me.

It takes me a second to process what he said to me but, when my brain finally caught up it took my legs with it, chasing Justin down the sidewalk. I get to him as he is about to climb into his car, I pull on his arm, successfully getting him to turn his attention to me. When he finally looks me in the eyes, I strongly wished I didn't chase after him. His eyes were filled with hate and discuss and it broke me. The second we locked eyes I started balling, I didn't want him to hate me, I couldn't stand the thought of that.

"Please don't hate me," I say through my tears. I watch his eyes soften ever so slightly.

"As much as I want to, I could never hate you," he plainly states, a smile growing on my face, "But, that doesn't change anything. I want you to stay the hell out of my life." With that I let him climb into his car and drive off.

It has been about 2 weeks since I met Justin at Pauls and it seriously has been the worst 2 weeks ever. Aside from Sam, Justin has turned into the person that I tell everything to, he has helped me through so many problems and has always been there when I needed him the most. Following my talk with Justin at the diner, a nasty rumor was spread about me, saying that I was accepting payments for sex now. The number of times in the last few days that I have had boys walk up to me offering money is truly making me sick. And the best part is I haven't even had the urge to have casual sex, I don't want it anymore. Though, self and identity has been far worse than any of the rumors. Justin will only talk to me when he is forced to by our teacher and even when that happens it is mostly one-word answers that mean nothing at all. It is so painful, I feel rejected and it is truly not something I am not used to. I more than anything just want to fix things but, I honestly do not know how.

Today is finally Friday, meaning I can escape back to my house for the weekend and not have to deal with any of this school's bullshit. I think that I have come up with a semi-promising plan to get Justin to start talking to me again. In Self and Identity today, we have another personal writing assignment due, in which we are supposed to talk about our identity changes we have noticed in the last few years and thanks to Justin I have a fairly big change. Mrs. Gould usually asks for volunteers to read their papers and today I am going to read mine so Justin can hear it.

Once in class, Mrs. Gould asks for us all to take out our assignments and finally asks for volunteers to read, a few of us raise our hands and she starts picking the order for us to go in. I was selected to go second.

After the boy, who has recently come out as gay to his friends and family, finishes his story I slowly stand up, getting ready to read mine. I inhale deeply before starting off, "The most meaningful identity change in my life has happened within this semester. I have always been the girl who has commitment issues, relationships have always scared the absolute hell out of me. One morning, I walked into this class and was instantly thrown into a partnership with an amazing guy. We were supposed to make this amazing project on our growing selves and our changing identities but, at first, I thought it was truly ridiculous. I knew deep down that I was incapable of change, I feared it, my identity was not going to change, my commitment problems were not going to go away. I believe I was and forever would be just the slut that doesn't deserve more than a lousy fucking in the old student lounge. But, then something changed. My partner and I grew closer to each other, I was opening up to him in ways I had only opened up to my best friend. Then we kissed and things got complicated," I paused taking a deep breath, looking up to find Justin's piercing eyes looking right into mine, and I continued without breaking eye contact, "I had feelings for this boy and I was so scared, not of him or his feelings toward me but, instead of my own actions ruining what we had. And of course they did but, my identity change happened in these moments because I did not want to run away from the hurt, I wanted to run to the source and fix it. I wanted to stay, unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way." I finish and take a seat again.

I can feel him staring at me but, I can't get myself to turn and look at him. If I did I would cry and I don't want to do that in front of the entire class. A few minutes pass by and I feel a hand being placed on my thigh, rubbing gentle circles with their thumb. I release my breath that I didn't know I was holding and let my body relax. I didn't need to look to know it was Justin, he is the only one that can make me feel so comfortable. I slide my hand under the desk and place it on top of his, giving it a slight squeeze before I got the courage to look at him. The look in his eyes was crystal clear and they told me everything I needed to know. Nothing had changed, my paper didn't help the situation, I had failed. I looked into his stern, dark eyes one last time before I slid my leg away from his hand.