Journal || Be More Chill/Dear Evan Hansen

Cut.

tw: self harm, blood

:(

I swiftly make my way over to the bathroom, making sure everyone in the house is asleep.

I just need something to clear my head.

Clear it from these horrible thoughts.

I closed the door quietly and locked it, starting to dig into the drawer.

I pulled out a small box, setting it near the sink.

Am I really doing this?

Over a crush?

Or maybe, a soulmate.

Maybe he's supposed to be mine, but this is the universe's way of telling me to fight for him.

Or not.

I pulled one of the small razors out, rubbing my thumb over it and staring.

Before any thoughts could come back and scream at me not to, I harshly dug the razor into my skin.

The sting it gave off, the blood that poured out almost made me lightheaded.

I shook it off, maybe I shouldn't be so harsh on myself.

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

Maybe one more cut will satisfy me.

Cut after cut after cut.

All on the same body, but different areas.

I stood there for a moment, letting myself bleed out.

The feeling made me crave for more.

But I couldn't.

I grabbed a red towel, a newly founded gratefulness that Mom bought red towels washed over me.

So they won't get suspicious.

I finished cleaning myself up, throwing the towel into the towel corner and leaving the bathroom.

Once I exited, I saw my Stepbrother, Evan, fully dressed and shakily texting on his phone.

What time is it?

I leaned onto the door frame, making sure not to make any noise.

6:30

My eyes glanced over to who he was texting, it seemed like he was in a group chat.

'Cool dudes, and Jared'

I let out a quiet laugh, realizing Evan was staring directly at me.

"Jeremy?  What do you..do you need anything?"
I stumbled back a bit, staring him in the eyes.
He just stared back, waiting for my response.
I just, broke down.
I weakly ran up to him, basically tackling him on to the bed.
I weakly wrapped my arms around his torso and buried my head into his chest, sobbing harshly.
I felt him tense, but relax after a while, holding me with this soft embrace that made me want to stay there for forever.
He kept whispering the occasional;
'what's wrong?'
'it's okay, it's going to be okay'
'calm down'
and
'breathe'
I hesitantly let go, exposing all the scattered scars that littered my arms and stomach.
His eyes seemed to soften, looking at me with a helpless look.
"Jeremy.."
He brought me closer to him, softly grazing his finger over the cuts.
"these... are recent..right?"
He spoke very quietly, like if I was something very delicate that'll break by any noise, which I probably am right now.
I nodded, looking down.
He then started talking, his voice was soothing and quiet, but it was blurred out by all the voices in my head.
"Jere--Jeremy, look at me, please?"
I snapped out of my void, looking up at Evan's soft blue eyes.
Everything about him is so calming and aesthetic, I don't understand.
"We'll get through this together, o-okay? Just please, don't do...t-this to yourself ever again.."
He looked down at my arms one more time, giving me one last hug before I left the room.

[E v a n s Pov]

I internally freaked out.
Because holy frick, not every day does you confident step-brother start crying into your arms.
I didn't know he physically hurt himself, that makes what I promised a hard promise to keep.
I can't stop him from hurting himself.
At least, not alone.
I shakily ran my fingers through my hair, letting out a heavy breath and picking my phone up again.

Cool dudes, and Jared

guys :Not-A-Acorn

BathbombFucker:  y'all fuckers are dumb Alex is the hottest 

BathbombFucker: oh hey Acorn

GalaxyGal: Jared shut up. what is it, Evan??

#CoffeAndInternet: sup.

SchoolShooter: okay who the fuck changed my username

Tall'nMysterious: oh hey Ev.

remember my step-brother? Jeremy? Well, today he, uh, cut himself and cried to me? And I promised I'd help him, but I honestly don't know how. :Not-A-Acorn

BathbombFucker: well Evan, you got yourself into a pickle.

Tall'nGay: im serious who keeps changing my shit

AGayHomosexual: oh, well Ev, im sorry but i don't know how to help-

GalaxyGal: 'Ev', huh? and sorry dude, but I have to agree with Jared on this one.

  so, no help? jeez, you guys are supportive :Not-A-Acorn

AGayHomosexual: well, I'll still support you Ev, its just-- im not good with anybody or anything so,

AGayHomosexual: and Zoe, shut the fuck up.

thats enough for me. :Not-A-Acorn

GalaxyGal: whoa, is there something going on between the two of you??

AGayHomosexual: no..

whAT? Me and Connor?? nonononono- we're just friends! He doesn't think of me that way,, :Not-A-Acorn

GalaxyGal: but do you think of him that way?

GalaxyGal: ...?

GalaxyGal: Evan?

Not-A-Acorn is now offline

I sigh, digging my face into my pillows.
Good job Evan, way to make it obvious.
I looked up up a the ceiling, barely realizing I'd have to go to school the next day.
They'll be asking questions, that's for sure.
Stupid anxiety, making me do things I don't approve of.