My hands felt cold and clammy against one another, lungs tight and desperate for air in the small room. I couldn't bring myself to move a muscle, all I could do was stare at the woman in front of me with disbelief.
"Tests like these are almost always accurate," the blonde woman answers plainly, staring down at the clipboard once more. "it's quite hard to make mistakes with blood testing,"
There just had to be a mistake.
"Do you need to think about some sort of arrangements? A plan b perhaps? We can recommend a counselor if there's an issue here,"
I swallow the huge lump in the back on my throat, shaking my head as fast as I could. I know what she's suggesting and as tempting as it sounds in my state of hopelessness, I could never bring myself to do such a thing.
"No. No. That's not at all what I'm thinking at the moment," I bite the corner of my lip to keep my voice from trembling.
"it's just- things are complicated,"
"I see," the Dr. nods slowly and I'm thankful she doesn't try to pry any further.
"I want you to give me a call if you change your mind. If not I'd like to see you back in four weeks time,"
I shift on the exam table as the reality of it all seems to settle in like a pound of bricks resting on my chest. I don't know what I should say or how I should feel so I just do what I always do, plaster on a smile and carry on like nothing ever bothers me.
"Sure, I'll do that,"
The answers seems to satisfy her and she smiles.
"Any further questions?"
Yeah:
Why me?
Why now?
I shake my head slowly, easing my way off the examination table and wanting to be out of this place as sooner than later.
"Well, congratulations," she speaks with canned enthusiasm, knowing the line to say that I'm certain she's rehearsed a million times.
I'm not the first and I'm certainly not the last but I wonder if I'm the only woman who's walked out of her clinic feeling like the weight of the world's been put on my shoulders.
*****
The ride home was as dreary and as gloomy as I felt. The thick, grey clouds and fat raindrops that would usually put a damper on my mood had no effect on me. I hadn't even noticed them. My mind was much too preoccupied.
Just a mere few hours before my life had been completely normal and suddenly life as I knew it had completely changed.
I was born to a young, pseudo-hippie of a mother who always threw caution to the wind. The first few years of my life were spent in the back of a station wagon watching my mother earn odd jobs and make strange friends, abruptly packing up when things got too tough or she got too attached. I was the exact opposite, constantly craving stability and commitment, tip-toeing around decisions and weighing my options. I was always so cautious yet here I am feeling like the biggest fuck-up ever.
Part of me felt ridiculous, selfish, almost. I was in a much better position that my mother had been many years ago but on second thought, maybe she was luckier than I. There was no one to face, no one's approval to seek.
There was a massive knot in my stomach when I finally pulled into the driveway. I stared at the perfectly manicured lawn I once was obsessed with the feeling of regret and disgust. The gorgeous home I'd once envisioned would house happiness for years to come had so far housed three years of distance and resentment.
