One And Only~ Maylor [Wattys 2019]

Ch. 7: He Keeps Me Up When I Feel Down

Brian's P.O.V.

People had always asked me why I have so much hope, or have been inspired or encouraged by it. Well, the truth is, I'm just pretending.

Depression has been my old friend since I was a teenager. I had a very low self esteem, got terribly bullied at school, had no friends, and was very insecure about my behaviour. I would constantly get hit or hurt by the bullies at school. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. It had been this way for years, and that's when depression hit me like a rock falling from above. My behaviour would change constantly, which hurt the people I loved the most, and that's how a friendship would end. It was all about my toxicity, nothing more. The only way to escape of my haunted mind is music. Most of the time, I would sit down and fool around with my Red Special playing songs I composed or liked.

Pretending had invaded my behaviour. There was no way in hell that I'd tell my parents about what I was going through, so the only way to evade it was to be positive and hopeful. It is hard cause it seems like you are happy, but in reality...

You feel hurt....

Lonely...

Useless....

Insecure....

Broken...

Numb....

Destroyed....

Guilty....

Suicidal...

Dead.

You don't want to continue with your life, and you start to hurt yourself. I remember that I used to cut myself with a knife, always thinking it made you feel good, and relieved. But I was totally wrong. My body was destroyed with all the cuts and scars.

It was that way for some time. Then, I met Tim, and felt a little better, but not fully. And then, Roger came along. The first time I saw him, I felt something else, so real and special. It was, indescribable.

Of course, I didn't pay much attention to that feeling. All of the sudden, I had that dream with him, he then came to audition and got accepted. It came up so quickly, like the speed of light.

Time has then passed and we became so close. We got to know each other better and had a closer connection. That's when I began realizing, that Roger was the one who put my sad thoughts away. He kept me alive, gave me more hope.

Made me feel....special.

Which is something that I never felt like, due to my drastically low self esteem. Whenever I saw Roger, my heart lit up with sparks of joy and it began beating like his drums. I could feel my face getting a little hot. Those moments had made me realize that I began developing feelings for him.

Even though that had boost me up a bit, it still perplexed and obfused my mind with defining my sexuality. I didn't know if I liked men or women or both now that I had feelings for the closest friend I had.

However, I knew by now that Roger wouldn't consider me as more than a friend. Maybe a best friend but definitely not a crush. He considers me as a brother, and I know that for sure. And I'm scared to be toxic to Roger because he deserves better. My behaviour cannot ruin this friendship because this is the first time in years, I had an amazing friendship with someone, and there was no way I'd loose that opportunity, because if he was the one who kept me alive, why kill it?

***

A/N: I really need ideas to put some plot twist or something along those lines because I don't want this story to be corny and boring for 10 chapters. If you have any ideas please write them in the comments or send them to me.

Thank you💕

-Lucia