happy. |

6

Take care of yourself.

When I was in sixth grade, I thought I was fat. I was only 120 pounds. I looked at my body, which seemed so much bigger than what I wanted. My stomach seemed to poke out of all of my shirts. My jeans didn't fit. I didn't like the way I looked in a swimsuit.

The only logical solution, according to my twelve-year-old self, was to starve. I never ate breakfast anyway, so no one would notice if I didn't take anything in the morning. Lunch and dinner would be more difficult.

I was always hungry, but isn't every twelve-year-old? So if I didn't eat as much, my family would notice. They'd know something was wrong, and my mental health was pretty much on lockdown. No one knew I had issues but me, and it stayed that way from fourth to the end of sixth grade.

So I started giving things away at lunch, using the excuse "I had a big breakfast," and not eating at dinner, using the excuse, "I had a big lunch."

I lost about ten pounds, but I still felt fat. And I was starving. I had to eat something. I went to my kitchen one night and ate three bowls of dinner with the rest of my family. I was ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid?

I went to the bathroom and stuck two fingers down my throat. I puked up my dinner, and that was my lowest point for a long, long time. It was there, sitting on the bathroom floor crying, that I knew I had to change something.

I started eating again. Slowly. I'm now fifteen, and up to a healthy weight. Sure, I still have a stomach that's bigger than I'd like. I still feel fat sometimes, but it's not worth starving over.

Taking care of yourself doesn't mean just eating. Last summer, right before my suicide attempt, I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't shower for days at a time. I felt absolutely disgusting. Being clean is an essential part of being happy. Brush your teeth. Put on deodorant. Shower. It's hard to be happy if you feel gross.

Your environment is important. Having a messy, cluttered room will make you miserable. Put away the pile of laundry that's been sitting on your chair. Clean out your school binders. Donate old clothes to Goodwill. Reorganize your desk. It will feel like a lot of work, it'll take a lot of energy, and you might have trouble finding the motivation to start, but it will be worth it in the end.

Take care of yourself.