NBSB (no boyfriend since birth)

chapter 17

sabay naming pinanood ang pagsikat ng araw,,another breath taking scenery.

"about last night,,"

i came up to a decision last night,,i need to tell him.

"hmmm?"

"im sorry..but this not working."

he turned to look at me.

"what do you mean?"

"the deal,,it has nothing to do on us,,hindi sapat ang ilang araw para malaman ang tunay na nararamdaman ko sayo..oh yes,i can say i like you,but its not as simple as that."

silence.

nilingon ko sya,,

"what's funny?"

nakangiti itong nakatitig sakin.

"im happy,,you like me too..its a good start."

i sighed..then looked away.

"iniisip mo ba na darating ang araw na maiinlove din ako sayo?"

"im working to that."

"hindi mangyayari yun."

"i will do everything for that to happen."

"yes,,you can,,but me,,i can't love you."

"bakit?"

"dahil hindi ko papayagan ang sarili ko na mahalin ka."

"bakit?"

"dahil lalake ka rin na tulad niya."

"what are you talking about?"

niyakap ko ang mga binti ko,,i noticed im doing this maneuver everytime i felt this sadness and pain,,

"i hate your kind,,including my own father,,sinaktan nya ako,,both physical and emotional,,men are all monsters in human form."

at ikunuwento ko sa kanya ang madilim nakaraan.

my father was alcoholic,,at kapag nalalasing sya nagwawala sya,nanakit,,almost everyday,ginagawa nya kaming punching bag ng nanay ko,,bata pa ako nun,,hanggang isang araw napatay sya sa gulong kinasangkutan nya,,dahil dun natira muna kami sa kapatid nya,may asawa na ito at walang anak,,that time my mother was pregnant,,pagkapanganak nya sa kapatid ko nag abroad sya,,nawalan kami ng komunikasyon,,hindi namin alam ang nangyari sa kanya,,simula nun ang mga tita na ang tumayong magulang namin.

"at my young mind i engraved in to it that all men are like my father,,yes i can be casual dealing with them,,but since i knew your true form i never did allow anyone to be closed beyond the wall i build up since i was a child."

sa mura kong isipan nakita ko kung paanong naging miserable ang inay..a year after i graduated and got a job i started searching for my mother,,at yung araw na namatay sya sa bisig ko yun yung araw na nalaman ko kung nasan sya,pero huli na ang lahat.

she been diagnosed of cancer,,nung mag abroad sya,,natakot syang maging pahirap samin kaya pinili nyang wag na kaming balikan,,isang kaibigan ang nag alaga sa kanya at inuwi sya ng pinas.

"all of you,,men,,are monsters,,in human form,,"

hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako,,i feel so numb,,manhid na sa sakit na habang buhay ko ng mararamdaman..coz the blood of that monster is running through my vein.

"now tell me,how could i love a man whom i hate so much ever since."

"my own father,should be the epitome of men in my life was a monster."

"tell me,,may pinagkaiba ba sya sayo?o sa lahat ng lalake?"

haist!,,kelan ba ako titigil sa pag iyak tungkol sa nakaraan ko?,,coz seriously,im so freaking tired of it,,over and over again.

"won't you give it a try,a chance for yourself?"

"i said i can't,,hindi ko kaya,,"

"then we had another deal,,since cancelled na yung una,,"

"this is pointless."

"breach of contract ang tawag dyan,,hindi pa tapos yung kontrata natin,,"

"so?"

"we'll have a new deal,,"

"what?"

"i'll help you to get over on your personal issues with men,with your father..same conditions like on the first one,,but this time no time table,no pressure."

"i tried but i can't,,tulad ng sabi mo about your own personal issue with your dad,,hindi ko rin alam kung paano,sinubukan ko,,pero ..."

i tried to date,,but i always ending up on cancelling it or just a first date,nothing more.

coz everytime im trying to feel the love from a man,my horrible father came to picture,,then love starting to covered with fear,pain,hatred and what if's.

"but you're scared."

"yes."

"so let me help you,,don't try to suppress that feelings you have towards me,,that something maybe a good sign for..love."

is that possible.

"it won't work,reynald."

"just a try,,i promise you will not be hurt again,or feel that pain again."

nilingon ko sya,,sincerity is all over his face.

dapat ko ba syang pagkatiwalaan?

then i looked away again.

long silence,,and i thought it will last forever..

"can we just stop this,please."

i whispered.

"pero..."

i looked back at him,,na puno ng luha ang mga mata..and pleaded...

"please..."

there,,atlast,i saw that he given up,,he sighed,,but in his eyes there's still that familiar sincerity of his true feelings for me,,the love.

"ok,,i give up,,for now."

you should given up forever,reynald,,because it ends here now.