Maria's thoughts: Inside the mind of the chick in the back of the classroom

Diary entries: Maria over the years (2014)

Since I'm done with most of the poems (at least the ones I want to currently show), I've decided to do a 4th part. My diary entries. Notes, thoughts, rants, crazy shit I wrote over the years, and hopefully some backstory (don't expect anything too fancy though 😂). I've decided to start from 2014 and move on forwards, because I recently found some diaries I had from 4th grade (they're cringey as fuck, please don't judge. I was a 10 year old with a stupid ponytail, a shitty toxic crush, a jealousy problem and an off quality Jojo Siwa Instagram fan page.). I just thought it would be interesting for myself, and for other people to see my thoughts change over the years. They're actually quite ridiculous. Anyways, I hope you enjoy them. I may occasionally add current notes in brackets and they may be in a different font. Also, FYI some names have been changed so I don't risk the chances of exposal or causing shit 😂 you never know who may read fan fic these days... Also, last thing. Most of these things do not represent who I am now at all. I have changed quite a lot in values, opinions and of course writing skills so again, don't judge...

Somewhere in April 2014, when I decided to create a "gossip diary"....

"Ok, ok.... let's take it from the start. That is NOT a diary!!! This is my supercalafrudgulisticespialadocious (???) secret notebook. Yeah, there is no one in this world that knows about this. So, if you read this right now, that makes you the 1st ever person that knows about the gossiping books. Yes, you got it!!! You shouldn't be peeking. Now if you want to live (wow, violent much), I prefer you leave that book where you found it and move slowly....

(I wish I wrote the dates on top) Gossip No 1:

Yesterday I heard Michael (classmate, current "hottest" guy in our year level, puberty hit him like a truck.) asking Lucas (my crush) (oh Lucas... the biggest possible dickhead. Like I can't believe I wasted 2 years on that toxic, hot and cold douchebag. I've heard my ex friend telling me so many times that "he changed". He hasn't. Same asshole then, same asshole now. Problematic, mean, literal definition of 10 year old fuckboy that plays Fortnite and calls things "gay" as an insult and thinks of Logan and Jake Paul as Jesus and comments things like "xx" under girls' posts and has hair that looks like it's been whiplashed but also magically blown dry and washed with some magic shampoo. I'm sure you can 100% imagine what I'm describing rn. He was one of the main reasons I was so insecure and dumb and tried so so hard to be something I wasn't. He ruined me and completely shattered my 10 year old, already bad self esteem. All to impress him. Plus, 2 years after this was written, he said shit about my dead grandpa and called me a big. All for that "change". So yeah, fuck him. Just listen to "Love yourself" by Justin Bieber. I swear it 100% describes my feelings about him. Every. Single. Word. So yeah. Anyways back to the gossip)

Yesterday , I heard Michael asking Lucas who did he like *Rebecca ( sometimes I HATE that girl) or *Alyssa (ARE WE SERIOUS?) and he said: None of them, someone else. Yayy!! He does NOT like any of them, that means that I have a chance! In ya face Rebecca!!! Then, at lunch, I saw Vasiliki (ex classmate) asking Lucas something. Then, I went up to her and she told me that she asked him who was his crush and I asked them who (English Queen, I know) and she said she wasn't allowed to tell but she then told me that his crush had really dark brown eyes. Then I looked in the mirror, and I saw that I had really dark brown eyes. Then I remembered: This morning, Lucas was in the computer room and he was looking at me like I was an angel. That means one thing: Lucas might like me... YAYYY!

WOULD HE SAY HE'S IN L O V E WELL IF IT WAS ME THEN I WOULD, I WOULD (I was the BIGGEST 1D STAN)

(In ya face Rebecca?? Ok some backstory on Rebecca and Alyssa. They are twins and one of the reasons to my insecurities when I was 10. They were the coolest, prettiest, smartest, funniest girls. Every guy liked them. Every girl wanted to be them. I used to spend days and weeks, wishing and trying so hard to act like them, talk to people like them, look like them. I always wished that I had that confidence, that I wasn't so tall and awkward and weird. That guys liked me. But, the truth is, the more I tried, the worse I got. I was so so cringey and fake, it's not funny. One day, after almost 2 years and after a lot of self control, thinking and crying on the way home to my mum, I was like to myself "you know what Maria? You're fucking awesome. You don't need to be like them. You have your own amazing, unique sense of humor and if they don't like it, big fucking deal, you don't like them either. You may be insecure, but who isn't? You may be flawed, with many mental problems, but who isn't? You're not winning anyone with this act. This, this isn't you." So, I just stopped. I remember trying to go on a diet to be "skinny" like them. At the age of 10! I would cry because they were also family friends with Lucas and they would constantly post videos of them hanging out with him and would constantly yap on and on about how much Lucas is crushing on them and how they're close family friends. Like I was soooo jealous. Plus, just recently moving to Australia and trying to deal with it all was hard in itself too. They didn't care about anything. They were perfect in every subject, especially sport. Fun fact, I still remember playing sports and watching them win and get supported by all the "cool" boys and when I played I kicked the ball the wrong way, everyone was yelling at me, and the guys couldn't give a less shit (Childhood trauma, also resulting to my absolute hate of anything sport related). Of course, I don't care about them now, because I have standards, and a good sense of self, good friends and I've changed a lot. 

Also with the while brown eyed mirror thing....... I WAS SO STUPID OH MY GOD. 90% of our class has dark brown eyes. We're Greeks duh. Ya know, dark genetics and all. 

And..... Lucas wasn't looking at me, he was probs looking at the screen..or all the other 10 girls he played with Ooft.)