Maria's thoughts: Inside the mind of the chick in the back of the classroom

When she disappeared: the worst stages

Before I go into the further diary entries, I'm gonna explain something, kind of like a prologue, but in the middle. I've noticed that for some weird reason, every 2 years, I go through some huge major change, whether it's external or internal or both, and it completely changes me as a person. 

For example, between 2014- 2016, I went through what I like to call my trash, cringey phase. It was the furthest I had been from myself. I had no purpose or goals or... personality. I was trying to find myself and due to the perfect cool girls in my class, the shitty fuckboy that I liked and also being the new girl, my self identity and acceptance was pretty much nonexistent. Plus, it was also around that time that I got into social media and it seemed like everyone around me was obsessed with it and, honestly I was too, for a period of time. I feel like the actual Maria had disappeared and was hidden somewhere really deep, waiting for something to bring her out and make her life better. Make her find her confidence, because she was growing up, and she really needed it. 

Honestly, though, I love reading and seeing things from this era. To remind myself of how far I've come and how cringe I was and how the big things then are so small and forgettable now. It reassures me to know that my problems now will one day be so small. 

I was still happy. I mean, yes I had confidence issues but overall I was happy. In ways that sadly I'm not now. I've lost that innocence, that bliss. I've been through shit, hell and back and a little bit more. Life has weird ways you know. I used to be a basic bitch who liked Jojo Siwa, gymnastics, Greek dancing, church, hung out with girls that shit talked eachother the minute one of them was gone, thought that my future husband was some guy with more hair than personality, swore I'd never cut my hair, found gay people "weird" and found swearing horrible and promised to never do it. Now I'm an atheist weirdo who can't even do one cartwheel, hates Greek dancing and wants to leave the room the minute she hears a Greek dance song playing, hangs out with nerdy guys, has way better taste in men, loves Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift, has cut her hair up to her neck, is a LGBT ally and swears so much "fuck" to her is like a second comma. 

Yeah. Life has its ways.