Poems (and descriptions) 2018-2019

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Series of small poems that I wrote one day on the way to the beach, around early 2019

(The first one is If. It doesn't really have a rhyme, because occasionally, I do write poems with no rhyme, perhaps as a way to represent the crazy whirlwind  state my thoughts are usually at, especially when writing about things like that, the evolution of people, change, getting clean... I drew inspiration from the fact that after going through so so many hardships, emotional and physical, I began healing but, I still felt like holding on to these experiences, embroidering them in my mind, using them as both a strength and a weakness, reminding myself of my stupid mistakes, but also the mountains I've moved by myself and all the emotional change I've gone through and how, somehow, I always get clean. And that's why I want to hold on to that. To remind myself that even in the worst times, I've always come out of it. I don't want to get rid of experiences that have shaped me and made me who I am, good or bad, because in all honesty, it would be like trying to get rid of a part of me. I would have never been here if it wasn't for all of hardships. And, in a sense, I'm grateful that they happened, because whenever I feel weak, I can always look back and see all the progress I made and all the storms I've walked through. )


IF 

If someone was to tell me that all my previous problems would go away,
Then what is it all for?
Because, the truth is, I don't want to forget.
I feel as if holding on to the darkness, the deepness,
The sadness, the weakness,
These are the things that lead me,
To what I'll be and what I am



(The next one is called Trust me When I say. It is inspired from the same things as the previous and the next poems, since ya know, I was writing them all one after the other. I feel like with this one, instead of wanting to hold on to the bad experiences, I just wanted to fucking get rid of them, in any way I could. I just needed someone to tell me that they felt the same bad things I felt, and that somehow it was all going to disappear and for once, give me peace. I wanted to be guaranteed some kind of gigantic, magical, spiritual reward for all the shit I went through, if that makes sense, just to know that all this pain was worth something)

Trust me when I say 

Trust me when I say,
That I'd spend all the struggles, fear and pain,
Any series of unfortunate happenstances,
Any cracks along the sidewalk,
Every rain, every thunderstorm,
if I knew that someday,
I'd be truly free and happy


(I think what if I was to not care was the last one I wrote. With all these 3 poems, i had the same inspiration, but kind of wrote about different ways to deal with them: appreciating and embracing them, running away from them, and just not caring. With this last poem I looked at it as a more "I'm stuck in a dark hole and I'm hopeless but who cares" kind of way, because I feel like a lot of the time, especially for people who have suffered with mental illness issues, the main aspect of it is the hopelessness that comes out of it. I also included a tiny part about moral relativism (aka doing bad things for good reasons, etc...) because I've recently been more fascinated with it in a sense. I know it's random, but yeah. 



What if I was to not care

What if I was to not care?
What if I was to rely on a possible far away death?
What if I didn't love, I didn't cry?
I didn't scream, I didn't lie?
We are a mix of good and evil,
Not one side is ever enough
Because when the world gets boring,
Or for any good act,
We have to act tough












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