Maria's thoughts: Inside the mind of the chick in the back of the classroom

Diary entries: Maria over the years (2014)

Yesterday was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. Why? Because I got embarrassed in front of everyone. First, 2 girls at our gymnastics class were whispering and pointing at me. Then at the cinemas. 

(Is it weird that I still remember that? After 5 years. It may not have been a huge entry word wise, but feeling wise, it was. As a girl that moved from Greece to *America, I have had to deal with bullying, people talking shit right in front of me knowing very well that I didn't know English, people making fun of my accent and the way I pronounced things, looking at me weirdly.... etc. Also in a lot of after school activities, I was the only Greek and tall girl and I would constantly be left out of conversations. I felt so out of place. I felt like my accent somehow made me more stupid or like a disgusting monster. I stood out like a sore thumb. And that was between the ages of 9 and 12. 9 and 12! Are you kidding me? Kids should be making loom band bracelets and play video games at that age, not have to worry about how many people are gonna talk shit about them when they walk by, or how they're gonna answer a question, or how they're gonna walk into that dance class knowing very well that everyone is laughing and getting in pairs and they have no one to pair up with. The point I'm trying to make here is... these things stay. Even if you grow up and completely change, they're still there. I still have ghosts. I still get nervous when I'm somewhere out of my comfort zone with new people. I still get nervous when I go shopping because I feel weird and out of place and disgusting. Sometimes, even to this day I still get left out of groups and I still sit by myself and I'm still the last being chosen for something. It has resulted in quite a few internal self confidence problem and I constantly want to be validated because the truth is I'm scared and too used to being left out. These things stay bro. Also, some advice. If you want to talk shit, looking at the person you're talking about doesn't make you savage. It makes you a shitty human and honestly, pathetic. But of course, if you want to cause someone unwanted trauma that they experience already from other people, then whatever, don't listen to me. People remember. Words hurt. Looks hurt. It gets easier but it's always there. Please don't contribute to that more.)