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February 2009

Spring break was coming up and for the first time ever my family was going on a road trip. I was so excited, because I had just gotten my first pair of glasses and I'd be able to see the world with clarity on our adventure. The plan was to go see my Great Grandmother in Alabama but we were going to make a stop in Arkansas to see my Aunt Thea first. Josh's mom.  The trip itself was fun. Seeing all the different states we went through was amazing but it was a long drive. It took almost an entire day to get there. I remember getting out of my dad's car excited to see my Aunt. Except I was the last to get out and the last to go inside and no one had told me that he would be there. I saw my cousin for the first time in four years and I couldnt do it. I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating faster and faster and I wanted to scream but no words would come out. I wanted to hit him and kick him and demand to know why he thought it was okay to tear the innocence from a child. A little girl. His family. But I couldn't. All I could was stand there and try and breathe. I remember my dad and my stepmom yelling at my Aunt Thea demanding to know why he was there. I remember Josh leaving. Thank god. My Aunt felt so guilty I guess for what her son did that they spoiled me. She bought me a whole new wardrobe and jewelry and all of this stuff.  They took me out to eat, but I didnt want their stuff. It was pity money. She and her family had no right to pity me. Her son all but destroyed my life. They took away my childhood. Nothing anyone can buy or say can change that. I've spent years trying to change that but it's impossible. There isn't a cure for anxiety besides being medicated and I would never do that. My anxiety isn't only a seed, it's a scar. A battle scar that displays my strength and power to keep fighting even when everything is telling me to give up. I take that with me everyday.