No Title Fits

The Beginning

I don't remember most of my childhood. Too many bad memories so I blocked most of them out. It's almost as if I built this gigantic dome around my childhood, but the dome is cracked. Some memories just slide through and the memories that do are the worst.......

My cousin Josh was staying witb us for awhile and sometimes he'd babysit my brothers and I. I remember him wanting to play hide and seek and asking me to count with him while my brothers squealed in delight running to find a place to hide. I wasn't squealing though because I knew counting with my cousin led to my bedroom door being locked. It led to him pulling the pants off a defenseless five year old girl (me). I remember him licking me down there and I remember hating the way it felt. It tickled, it did not feel right. Then he would pull down his pants and force me to my knees and say, "Since I did that for you, you need to do something for me. " Tears were glistening on my face. I cried and I begged him to not make me touch him. He wouldn't listen. Instead he forced my mouth onto his dick and forced me to suck on it until he came in my mouth. The first time I tasted cum I was five years old and in that moment, my childhood and my innocence shattered. My cousin raped and molested me for two years. For two years I have this huge gap in my memory. The things I remember are bad enough. I can only imagine what lies in that time gap. That's when my seed was planted. My cousin was someone I thought I could trust and count on but then I couldn't and in a way it made me doubt myself and my judgement. After that like any plant my anxiety started to grow until I had my first anxiety attack....