Wonderwall

Harry's P.O.V

As I pulled up to the pub I spotted Louis standing outside. He looked awkward as he walked, like he was nervous. I couldn’t help but notice his smile. Normally I would mean that in a good way, but for some reason his smile seemed fake to me. I hope everything’s alright with him. Trying to push the negative thoughts out of my head, I rolled down the window and shouted, “Hurry up, slow poke!”

This brought Louis to a jog and his brilliant smile became sincere, but as he got closer, his smile faded. Louis finally reached the SUV and opened the door, but he just stood still, staring at me. Becoming slightly nervous, I asked him, “What?” He didn’t answer, just continued to stare. “Louis, you’re scaring me...”

That must’ve shaken him out of his trace. He shook his head quickly and said a quiet “Sorry,” as he climbed in the passenger seat. What’s up with him? It was a quiet drive back to our flat. We were halfway there and neither of us had said a word, the only sounds being the radio. Finally, Louis broke the silence. “Don’t go home yet. Let’s go for a drive.”

Mentally rerouting us, I froze at the familiar song that started to play. It was Wonderwall. Being trapped in a vehicle with the man behind the reason for my addiction, plus having this song playing, wasn’t how I hoped this night would go. I rolled my eyes and continued to drive.

Today is gonna be the day

That they're gonna throw it back to you

“So uh, I’ve been thinking about earlier...” Louis said, his voice trailing off.

By now you should've somehow

Realized what you gotta do

I don't believe that anybody

Feels the way I do, about you now

I tried to keep my eyes locked on the road ahead of me. “Yeah?”  I asked, feeling a little bit nervous now. I wasn’t sure where he was going with this.

Back beat, the word was on the street

That the fire in your heart is out

I'm sure you've heard it all before

But you never really had a doubt

I don't believe that anybody

Feels the way I do about you now

I heard Louis sigh, and then he spoke up again. “I just want to apologize. I know I shouldn’t have been mad but it was hard to get my head around it. You’re my best friend I just didn’t understand why you didn’t tell me you were cutting yourself.” Louis looked at me and I quickly looked back at him. His eyes were pleading as he asked, “Why did you do it?”

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I

Would like to say to you but I don't know how

My heart was pounding out of my chest and my palms were starting to sweat. Should I tell him the truth? The song continued to play, and God, it couldn’t have better described my feelings right now...

I decided that this is it. I won’t hide my feelings any longer. I looked over at him and looked right into his eyes. I took a deep breath in and said, “Louis, I love you.”

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all, you're my wonderwall

Louis cocked his head to the side. He looked so lost and confused and I just wanted to punch something. I regret this already. Louis spoke up, “Well, I love you too, Haz... You’re like the brother I never had.”

Fuck. I focused my attention back on the road and sighed. Accidentally raising my voice, I said, “No, you don’t understand.” I was shaking now. I don’t know if it was from fear, anger or my addiction creeping up on me, but I know that I needed to stop driving. I pulled over to the side of the road, possibly a bit too quickly for Louis’ liking. I noticed he looked scared in the seat beside me. Once in park, I reached over and placed my hand on his knee, “Don’t be scared, just listen...”

Louis nodded, the fear in his eyes slowly disappearing. I shut my eyes as I spoke, “I’m in love with you Louis. From the moment I saw you on X Factor, I knew something was different about you...” I took my hand off his knee and opened my eyes. Looking into his beautiful blues once again, I continued, “At first I thought it was a friendly attraction, the kind you have with a best friend. But after months of getting to know you more, I realized I wanted more of you. My thoughts became too much... they became intimate. After the show ended it only got worse. When we moved in together, I got to see a whole different side of you. You were so protective, so caring... You were too perfect-”

“-Haz, wait.”

“No let me finish,” I bit my lip, “I want you Louis. I want you to be mine. I want to be your boyfriend and have you fuss over me...Over what I would wear or that I would put too much syrup on our pancakes. I want to hold your hand and tell you I love you daily. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long because I was scared. I was terrified that you won’t feel the same way... So I started cutting. Louis, I’m addicted to cutting myself.” I paused and tried to hold back my tears. “It was so hard to know that I can’t have you. It literally drove me insane. It started small, as an experiment, but it got so much worse. They’re everywhere. I need you, Louis... I need to know that you’ll love me. You’ll save me. You’re my wonderwall.”

Louis’ jaw dropped and I could see his eyes were becoming glassy. He ran his hand through his hair, looking everywhere but at me. “Harry... I-I had no idea you felt that way,” He sounded shocked, but he carried on, “I’m sorry but... I don’t...”

No. That’s not right. He’s not supposed to say that. “You don’t feel the same...” I finished his sentence for him. I felt my body go numb and the words were monotone. Suddenly I felt so empty inside. Louis’ face dropped to a frown and he reached out to hug me. I felt his embrace and lifelessly collapsed into his chest. I started to sob heavily, thick tears streamed down my cheeks. I confessed my love only to be broken. My heart was shattered in a thousand pieces, crushed and stepped on. I felt so exposed, so small, as I curled into his touch.

Louis stroked my hair softly. “Want me to take us home?” He quietly asked. I nodded against his chest.

It was uncomfortable and awkward when we got out of the car to switch seats. My hand accidentally brushed against Louis’ and we both jumped at the contact. I hate feelings this way. We used to be all over each other and already the awkward touches are setting in. I took my seat in the passenger side and continued to sniffle, every so often brushing a tear away. I would steal glances at Louis, knowing that I won’t see much of him anymore. I know I must have scared him away from me now. It’s only a matter of time before he’s out of my life forever...