Wonderwall

Harry's P.O.V

Harry’s P.O.V

My hands were trembling as I stared out the open doorway. The light from the hallway flooded in, dimly lighting my bedroom. Louis would come back to me, I know he would. He’s always there for me, by my side, never leaving for long. He always came back...

Moments passed and I was frozen in place. My teary eyes were still fixed on that damn hallway. I shouldn’t have pushed him away like I did. I did need him. A familiar feeling bubbled up inside my heart, building a lump in my throat and making my arms tense. Was I really just about to do this? I tried to fight it, but the overwhelming need pushed me over the edge. I was an addict. I stood and walked towards the door, briefly checking for Louis. When he didn’t appear, I shut the door, darkening the room once more. A single tear spilled from my eye, I was truly and utterly crushed. I shuffled along the soft carpet to my nightstand, bending down and rummaging through it until my fingers came in contact with the tool. I sighed as I pulled it from the drawer and sat on the end of my bed. I didn’t take long to think over what I was about to do as I removed the razorblade from its leather case. Bringing it up to eye level, I examined the sharp object; blood stained and violent. I lowered it to my lips, softly tracing their shape with the end, the metal tasted cold and deathly. My body trembled at the taste.

Shakily, I stood on uneasy knees to walk to the bathroom, discarding my shirt on the way. The cold title numbed my toes, slightly relaxing my mind. I leaned against the wall adjacent to the sink and slid down, bringing my knees up to my chest. I laid my thrashed up arm across my knees, fully exposing the cuts. Louis didn’t see them all as they were nearly up to my shoulder. When I flexed my muscle, the unhealed wounds would stretch and pull, leaving a burning sensation and reopening them. Blood slowly dripped free from previous cuts and I caught it with my finger tips. Now was the time.

I raised the razorblade to a clear section of skin, and inhaling sharply, I quickly made a new incision. I silently cried out in pain as I repeated it over and over again. The blood trickled down my forearm, possibly staining my pajama pants. My cheeks were flushed and tight from the tears drying on them, all the while fresh tears were pouring out of my eyes. I was crying from pain, not just physical pain, but emotional pain. I wanted what I couldn’t have. Needed what wouldn’t need me. I was in love with my best friend.

Louis was so captivating and it was nearly impossible for me to not fall head over heels for him. He just doesn’t know it. That’s why I do this to myself, to escape the pain of not having him as mine. I’ve tried to deny my love for him as long as I could, telling myself that it was an attraction to him in a friendly way. But then my thoughts became more intense, more intimate, and that’s when I realized it was more than a friendly attraction. I wanted to do things to him that were beyond the boundaries of friendship. Every little touch made my heart melt. I wanted to be able to hold his hand in pubic and sweetly kiss his perfect lips, but there were just two things stopping me; Louis and management.

Although I hadn’t come out yet, I already know that management wouldn’t allow me to show it. They need me to be known as the single teenaged heartthrob who chases tails. It’s disgusting. As for Louis, I have a feeling that the feelings aren’t mutual. Sure he’ll jump on the bandwagon and act like we’re a couple, but when it all boils down to it, I know it’s only for show.

I sighed as I watched the blood dry on my arm. I didn’t want it to end yet. I continued to make more cuts up my arm, each one deeper than the last. I mumbled the lyrics to the song that made the think the most, the one that made me think of Louis. Wonderwall. The lyrics couldn’t paint a better picture for my feelings towards that man. I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about him. It just can’t be possible. As I stood to clean myself, I softly sang, “I said maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you’re my wonderwall...”