I remember when I was first diagnosed with PCOS I felt really confused I wasn't really sure what it was, how it would effect my life, my body, or at the time my boyfriend. After the doctor explained it to me it made more sense. Polysistic Ovary Syndrome effects your reproductive organs, my immediate thought was, Oh my God, I can't have kids? That's not necessary the case it just makes it harder to conceive. I remember the first time I got pregnant, with my long standing boyfriend of 5 years at the time; we were estatic. I was so careful of what I put in my body, what it was exposed to; everything. I didn't want anything to happen I was ready to be a mom I was 21 at the time. Then started the bleeding, and I knew something was wrong. I took enough sex Ed to know when your pregnant you don't bleed, so I had my boyfriend drive me to the hospital. I was having a miscarriage, they couldn't tell me why other then, "These things just happen sometimes." I felt like my whole world had stopped when they told me they couldn't find the heartbeat. I struggled for a long time with that, I'm still not over it it's just a little easier to manage these days.
A few months later, my boyfriend and I started having problems. We got into a fight one day and he told me losing the baby was my fault because I didn't pay attention to what I did and what I put in my body. I did. We ended up breaking up after 7 years together. That was a whole new kind of pain, not only was he my first, high school sweetheart, all that lame bullshit, but I felt like the whole relationship was a waste of time. Then he broke my heart when I found out later he cheated on me.
Fast forward 4 years through a few crappy relationships that didn't last more then 6 months, and I met the man that is now my husband. He's an amazing man and I'm glad I met him, about 2 years into our relationship we found out we were pregnant! Yay! No, same thing happened again I started bleeding heavy went into the ER and they told me the same thing they told me 4 years prior. Miscarriage and they didn't know why. I was tired of not getting any answers so I asked a doctor about it, turns out I had PCOS which was causing my miscarriages.
I'm glad at least to know what is causing my symtoms and my miscarriages. Now I have to struggle with the fact that I'm 28 and I might not get to have kids, not impossible just very very difficult. I have to write about it to get it out and cope, so that's what this will be. It might be boring and probably really different then a lot of what you have seen on here, but I will be posting about my journey as it happens. I'm hoping for now I can just go with flow and see what happens, it's hard when I see all my friends on their 3rd kid and I'm struggling to have 1. I'm not bitter or jealous towards them it just reminds me of what I may never have. If your willing to read this journey to the end thank you, of not that's ok too like I said its mostly a space for me to get my thought out and cope with them.
*Stay tuned for update after doctor appointment in March ☺️
