Unforgettable

28.

"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you"

Stuck In The Middle With You - Steelers Wheel

***

Harry managed to stop my incessant obnoxious singing by yelling out saying I will never hear him sing, nor see his dick ever again if I do not piss off.

Now that's just playing dirty.

Jerk.

I decided to leave him to it, letting my imagination wonder about what he looks like doing that in the shower.

I visibly gulped at the thought.

I probably spent a good ten minutes just staring at my door lost in my head before I left the room.

I keep thinking about what Finn said, and what Harry said last night and I'm starting to think what Harry has is only some physical attraction towards me, and Finn has mistaken it for something more.

I know that he loves me, I love him too, I know how much we care about each other.

But I just can't picture him being in love with me, having those types of feelings for someone like me.

I mean, I know plenty of people that have those friends with benefits type of friendships, and they still care about each other, it's not unusual to find a friend attractive.

Physical attraction I can kind of wrap my head around easier, well his anyway, I'm still having an internal meltdown over my own.

It's easy enough for Finn to say what he does about sexuality being fluid, because that's who he is, he doesn't have the internal insecurities and fears I do, he didn't cause the amount of pain I did to be who I am.

I'm fucking terrified.

How do I just sit there and clap my hands together say, oh yep, my entire life has been a lie.

That means I went through watching my father looking me in the eye like he hated me, while I broke his heart and damaged our relationship almost to the point of no return for nothing.

What happened to Finn was for nothing.

All those years of pain for nothing.

How is someone just supposed to switch that off?

I've spent all these years thinking this is who I am, and I'm not that, then who am I?

I wish my mum was here, she's the only person I could really talk to, it felt like she was the only person in the world that understood me.

I miss her.

I sigh heavily, rubbing my hands over my face to push the stress away and run my fingers through my hair as I open the bedroom door, walking up the hallway into the loungeroom.

Dad is sat on the couch, and as soon as he hears my footsteps, he springs up, turning to rest on his knees facing me looking over the back of the couch with a dramatic over enthusiastic grin.

"Mornin' Pooh Bear!"

I stop dead, giving him an awkward look. I know that look on his face, he's up to something because that look on his face is never a good thing.

"Did ya sleep good?" he grins, nodding eagerly and giving me a thumbs up.