It was late when we finally went to bed, way too exhausted to even attempt another film. I hadn't bothered leaving my phone on, knowing that there would be missed calls or angry messages that would make me anxious. I wanted to be disconnected from the outside world, just Will and I on the run from my life yet going nowhere.
I drifted off to the sound of his relaxed voice rambling on about all the people he met in America, and how amazing he found the whole production.
"and Dylan, he's just full of energy. god we raised hell in that place we got on so well." I hummed along to his words, as he stroked words into the surface of my back with his fingertips. "you'd love Kaya, she has the same sense of humour as you. you have to meet her when they come to London. You'll have to meet them all."
He didn't seem nervous about the upcoming premier, but I could tell he still was, his words would be rushed whenever he spoke about it and his eyes would never quite meet mine. Will had tried to avoid any press that mentioned the maze runner movie soon to be released, but I was nosy and read probably every article there was. It was good, they expected big things, but I couldn't tell him that. Not that it could settle him in any way, if anything it would just increase the pressure.
-
The next few days were good, we ate out and spent the days together taking in the relaxation of not having to do anything. With me just playing hooky, Will had quit his job before filming, promising that the pay would be more than enough to get him through another year.
I however, needed to get an education, otherwise I'd end up with no job whatsoever. So I gave in and checked my phone, mainly my mum and Sam, which was slightly disappointing but what did I expect anyway?
"Madi, do you have to go back?" He asked from the living room as I made lunch in the kitchen.
"yeah, mum seems bad. I'll check on her this afternoon." I mumbled.
"why don't you stay here?" Will offered.
"I need to go back to school." I reminded him once again.
"yeah I know, I mean you can stay here and still go to school. That way I can still see you, and also you don't need to look after your mum 24/7." I gulped and nodded.
"I'll see how she is when I go home, if she's ok then I'll stay." In truth I'd become more and more riddled by the guilt of leaving her alone. She'd tried to ring me 30 minutes ago, so I at least knew she was okay for the time being.
-
The cold air bit at my legs as I'd underestimates the amount of cloud in the sky before leaving Will's flat, he'd offered to come with me but I quickly turned him down. Not sure I'd want him to see mum in any worse of a state than she'd already been in.
My street seemed eerily quiet, not that it was usually bustling, but there was at least a dog barking or birds signing, even cars driving up and down. But this time as I stood on the corner, looking down towards my dull house, something seemed like it was impossibly out of place.
The front door was open, immediately alarming me, as I trudged inside with heavy steps.
"mum?" I called out, noticing the lack of lights on inside. I flicked on a lamp and looked around, almost screaming when I saw her figure in the corner. It's odd shape startling me as she looked up, her eyes stained red with tears. They fell down her face once again at the sight of me, her expression being what I could only describe as 'broken'.
I rushed over and knelt down, leaning close to hold her in my arms. The woman, who was supposed to care for me and bring me up to be a respectable woman, fell to pieces in my arms with thick weeps. Her voice wavered as she spoke to me in shattered words.
"I'-m so- so sorry-" She gasped out with a struggle. "I want to be better than this." She sobbed.
"It's okay, I'm here now."
"Please don't go again. I hate it." I stayed with her, letting her rest my head into my lap as the constant heaving tears drained her energy and pulled her to sleep.
-
I let her sleep, the sight of my mother so beaten down bringing tears to my own eyes with reluctancy. My phone buzzed in my pocket, echoing against the wooden floor with a sudden jolt to it. I reached into my pocket and read the text that Will had sent.
- Is everything ok? Thought you'd be back by now, that's all. x
-I have to stay here for a while, I'm sorry, mum's not okay I have to be here for her. x
I wasn't actually expecting a reply back, but what I got make my heart tug in different directions.
- I love you, I'll always be here don't forget that. x
-
It took me hours to clean the house, mum having spread her depression all across the house in the shape of shattered glass and plates or bedding strewn around rooms. I left her in bed, letting her sleep. Which she did for a while, then she woke up, whining that it was cold. So I found her a big jumper and some fluffy socks, did my best to start a fire and made a big cup of coffee to help wake her up better.
"thank you." she whispered, watching me sit down beside her with a closed fist. "please Madi, they make me feel weird." I opened my palm, holding out the pills to her. "I never feel anything when I'm on them."
"yes you do, you're happier than this aren't you?" I asked.
"it's a lie, they make me act that way."
"I promise you, that if you take these you'll feel better. You always do." I kept my hand held out. "come on."
"will you stay with me if I take these?" She asked, catching me off guard.
"wh-what?" She couldn't know that I wanted to leave, there's no way.
"I don't want to watch tv on my own, it's sad. Stay and watch a movie with me, please?"
"Oh, a movie? okay, but take them first." She nodded and swallowed down the pills with her coffee, shuffling closer to me to find somewhere cosy to nest herself into.
I was torn between what I wanted and what I had to do, again. No surprise there then?
