Alexandria's Genesis (gxg)

Cookies and Contemplation

Kelsea's P.O.V.

I really didn't mean to like Cassandra as much as I did. I mean, she's a nice person, but I expected to have one of those school acquaintances, where we stuck together during school but there was no real bond. Amazingly, I found myself growing very fond of her. She gave me a sense of security around other people. She always made sure I felt comfortable in new situations and accepted that some days I just wouldn't be able to talk. I didn't talk to anyone aside from her, and that was just fine with me.

Well, there's one exception...

My gaze turned to the empty seat beside me. It was Friday, and there had been no sign of Rylee since the drama meeting on Wednesday. Weirdly enough, Cassandra didn't mention anything about her, which was very odd since they clearly knew each other. I tried to focus in class the last two days since we had a project to do, but I was finding it difficult to pull my mind from my absent partner.

I sighed and looked at the shitty poster sitting on my desk. I had to start from scratch since Rylee had the original work, and it was very obvious I had no idea who Freud was or what he ever did. My teacher was useless as well. All he did was shrug when I told him my partner was gone and had our work, suggesting that I "should get a more reliable partner next time."

Like I even had a choice this time. What a dumbass.

I pulled my phone out under my desk to kill time, knowing this poster was not going to be finished any time soon. I opened my social media, instantly navigating my way to my old friends' pages. As much as it hurt to see them be happy without me in their lives, seeing them live the life I used to have was the closest I was ever going to get to being the person I used to be. I couldn't ignore the growing resentment I had towards them. None of them had bothered to stay in touch longer than a couple of weeks into the summer, and since I refused to leave my house we never saw each other. However, I knew I would resent them even more if we had stayed in touch. They got to move on with their lives as usual, while I constantly feel a gaping hole in my chest.

Fuck.

Acknowledging the pain only made it worse. I closed the app and shut off my phone, willing my mind to focus on something else. Unfortunately, there wasn't much that could pull me away from those thoughts, and even then, not for long. It felt like a game of cat and mouse inside my mind, only I was the mouse, and my thoughts were always trying to corner me and engulf me. My mind traveled to Rylee again, and this time I didn't try to stop it. It was much easier to deal with the confusing feelings she elicited in me. They consumed me as much as my grief, and while she spiked my anxiety she didn't hurt me.

For the first time since Rylee had plagued my mind, I realized that my inexplicable obsession with her was the only thing that could fully and effectively distract me from everything. Even with as much as Cassandra talked, the overload of information she gave my brain was never enough to drown out the whispering voice in the back of my mind, the voice that if I ever listened to closely to could completely break me down. How unfortunate that the one person who has helped at all also scares the shit out of me.

The bell finally rings, pulling me out of the daze of confusion I was in. I slowly gather my things, waiting for everyone to exit the classroom before I made my way to the door. I hated crowds, and I hated being close to people who liked to push and shove to be the first out a door. Entering and exiting a classroom was always my least favorite part of any class.
Except I do have something to look forward to at the end of this class.

Cass greeted me with a smile as I reached the door, leading us to our next class while telling me about how her dad had made her late to school that morning, and apologizing again for not being at my locker this morning. I smiled, letting her know it was okay. She had already texted me this morning letting me know with a heartfelt apology. Cassandra was a great friend, which is probably why I felt so guilty about not listening to her story as attentively as I usually would. I still couldn't get past what I realized about my interest in Rylee. It made me feel slightly better to know I wasn't gay, but it made me uncomfortable to know I had formed such a close attachment to someone who was clearly only interested in playing with my feelings. Either way, it wasn't like she was actually trying to distract me from my internal struggle. She had no idea it was even there. All she was interested in was making me doubt my heterosexuality, which she did well.