I mess up a lot. its something that i just naturally do. i can blame it on so many things in my life when really i know in my heart that its just me. Its my fault i hurt so many people, and it took loosing everything to realize what i had.
I was so depressed because i felt empty and the fact of the matter is that i don't think i wanted to feel anything but empty. it was me that stunted my own progress.
i used to say all the time to the people i hurt "im trying to change i just need help" which is the truth except i blamed it on everyone except me when i needed to learn how to help myself. i rely on people to much because ive never had much and i expect the world to function around me. thats not how it works
im not going to say i can be fixed. no one really can be, you cant cure my mind thats just not possible. but progress can be made, i can become a part of this society and function among the rest of you. i am not the only one who has a messed up head, who pushes people away.
i dont push people away anymore, thats a very hard thing for me and it makes me feel sick to my stomach to be honest, exposed. still its better than having nothing and no one to care about.
one thing i dont think will be easy at all to overcome is my lack of forgiveness. not for others though, if you hurt me i will never hate you and chances are i will forgive you a second later even if youre unaware of this fact. i have always struggles though, with forgiving myself. every night before i go to bed i stay up for a few hours and write letters upon letters to the people i love that i can never mend things with. they arent even in my life anymore yet i still look back and either smile at things or cry over things.
there is so much regret in learning. there are so many what ifs and so many emotions. so many plans and hopes ruined. i planned on meeting you guys someday. you will never read this but you know who you are and i hope someday you will think about me and that YOU will have the heart to forgive me because i cannot even forgive myself.
