Venting

I've always been alone

From the moment that I was born, I can remember being alone. When I was a kid, I'd play by myself. I had 3 imaginary friends; DD, Jamba Boy, and Peanut Girl. I grew up in a small town in California and didn't get "real" friends until I was in junior high. I remember one of my friends, Bella, saying that she thought I was hella weird at first, but her opinion changed over time. Over the summer's, I'd never go over to a friend's house. The best I would do is go to my grandmas in Sacramento. The "fun" things I did over my summers was watch TV, play outside with my imaginary friends, go on walks with my old Rottweiler, Magnus, and just hang out in my house. My sister, being my sibling, didn't give two shits or a fuck about me. When her twin friends would come over, I was so lonely, that I would hang out with them. You could visually see the annoyance from my sisters face. Around this time is when I started getting fascinated with dead things. They were always there to talk to, you could pretend they were still alive, you could care for them, and they were always an interesting conversation at dinner time. In fact, to this day, I still love the dead. The first time I ran into something dead was in my front yard. It was a dead crow. All that was left was its skull and its feathers. The feathers were in a cool position when the crow died. I found this when I was with my sister and her twin friends. They were all grossed out, while I was just in udder awe. Whenever I see a skeleton now, I feel obligated to look at it. Recently, I found a fox skull on the side of the road when I was walking home. When I spotted it, I noticed the jaw was disconnected from the rest of the skull. I said out loud, "Poor baby. Give me a minute to make you more reunited with your body.". Now I didn't know where the rest of the body was. I only found the skull. I even looked for the rest of the body. When we moved from my small town in California to an even smaller town in Colorado, I didn't have friends. It was back to square one. I was always questioned for being me. I'm loud, obnoxious, 100% random, and the fuck and shit farm is completely out of crops. I moved here in 5th grade. Being the shy kid that I am, I didn't talk to anyone. When my birthday rolled around the corner, my mom said, "What do you want to do for your birthday?". I replied with a simple nothing. I had no friends, no one to bring me even the slightest sliver of joy, and all I was hanging on to was a tiny little string of sanity that I still have today. 6th grade is when I started to actually get friends. They're the group that I still have today, and they're the fucking best people I could ever ask for. The one thing that makes this worse is that my ADHD is a people pleaser, so I felt like I HADE to. My mind today still has me in the same cuffs. My parents get mad at me for my bad habits for picking at my scabs. It's one of the ways I fidget. The 6-8th grade was fairly good. You know, as good as they can get. Then 9th grade is what shot me in the heart. I lost my dog, Magnus, and my friend, Marie. This is when the main part of my depression started to break free from its door. Magnus died the day before we went to Universal, and Marie died on the 7th of December. I tried being strong, but I knew it wouldn't work. In January, I asked my friend, Molly, how she cuts herself. She told me her way, I took the tip, and have been using it ever since. My parents only found out recently that I cut myself because someone at the school said I did so. When I heard this, my anxiety sky rocketed and felt like being myself wasn't even possible. At home, I have most of my rights taken away. I feel like I can't even relax for a second. My family is constantly stressing me out, and I'm on the verge of killing everyone and then myself. When they found out, I felt even more alone. Last Christmas, it was proven that I can't even trust my own family. I told my cousins what's going on inside my head, and they lost their shit. They told my mom, who told my dad. Then, we all had a conversation. The fact that I can't trust my own family members makes me want to isolate myself in a little void. Now, in 11th grade, loneliness consumes me. Even when I was in a relationship, I still felt alone. I wish this feeling could just vanish, but I know it never will.