Confessions~ the unspoken voice

to IIT/JEE aspriants

An open letter to the commercials screaming everytime "to get 360 in JEE"

And after that they display their hall of fame telling how they have yearned these toppers. Popularity is nice. Money is life.

Were you ever rejected in life?
Were you ever going through depression and tried to die for like million times and your family was unawared?
Did you ever feel there is no hope and you are a loser?

Let me tell you, this thing was meant for you!

I love reading being it books, newspapers, people's head and heart or their mind. My morning starts with newspaper (if I wake up early)
I read so I develop a mindful of ideas in myself which have no boundaries in this world. Reading does the same.

I come from a big town but small family with big superstitions and small thinking. That's what turned me what I am today.
You know when you are the eldest one in the family doing something out of the box, people hate alot. They won't support and throw tomatoes at you so you make curry with it.

And often because you lack money you never got a counselling on life and the ones given in schools are shitty(my experience is way too much to say that)

In 2017(class 11) I took PCM as my full time life without knowing what I am doing with my life. Here comes twist in the game!
I didn't go coaching. That's wow! I passed somehow (god knows how and why!)
Because the money is very precious and is basically reserved for my future husband because dowry is a tradition in Indian families. I somehow convinced my family for basic tuitions. (Believe me this is a damn story)

Basic tuitions= basic studies.

I want to do research like Newton, like APJ Abdul Kalam. Should I go to IIT? then shouldn't I study for JEE mains and advanced?

Can a 16 year old already suffering from anxiety who was always shut off to her room without anything know this fact?

Yes, I had internet and phone. But no counseling and support.

And it's been a shore to my journey now, I know I have the potential to go to IIT but I won't, you know why?

Because damn it, I have got skill without a head.

And when people put on their commercials for JEE/IIT aspriants, it breaks me little by little every second because hope is a big word and I have lost that inside myself every moment now :)

Also, for side views yeah I can study from JEE books and clear the exam but time sucks and obviously I don't have money to buy them.
Remember, pride is a big thing. Money is champ of all.

Note : please toppers stay away from me because I could be you, but I have left my chance, happily for you.

If life was perfect then maybe imperfections had no place, but my life is a mess with no grace and serenity of space.

I m writing this today but may not do tomorrow
Because being alive becomes way too tougher with no hope.

Thank you for reading.

Using my full might to survive.