I'm a 23 year old man that due to extreme bullying as a child was always shy and tried to make sure that I did not do anything to annoy people. Due to me always feeling like i was walking on egg shells it was hard for me to find a relationship. Just after I turned 20 I met the woman i thought I would marry. At the time I thought she could do no wrong. 5 months after our engagement ended (She left me) I am realizing how controlling and toxic she was to me.
I was a bit of a nerd growing up (nothing wrong with that) I enjoyed video games and anime, though I also enjoyed playing sports and was really good at playing the saxophone (I thought life was about balance). When I met her and we started going out she tried to get me to play video games less and less and stop watching anime. I mean I did play video games a little much so I went along with it. Next it was that I weighed a little much, ok i lost some weight, next it was that I didn't take good enough care of my face or hair. When I said I'm happy with how I looked she would get quiet and guilt trip me. I got depressed but I was afraid of being alone as this was my first "real" (longer than 3 months) relationship. Due to the depression i started to gain the weight back.
Any time I wanted to go to a concert or do something cool it was sure we can go, then a day before it was always "we have to spend the time with my family" and I would have to rush to sell the tickets, but I was being selfish if I didn't. I stood my ground once; me and my best friend were going to go golfing one day (I get to see him maybe 3 weeks of the year as he goes to school across the country) and we had planned it for a few weeks. Her sister was having her second wedding (same man just one was out of the country and another in the country for those that couldn't make it) the next day but she wanted to spend the night at her mothers. I stood my ground and got guilt tripped for months about that. "oh your friend is more important than our family?" type deal
It got worse once I had proposed to her. "We need to buy a house, I'm tired of living with your parents" and so on.
I had given in and we ended up buying a house a few months later just after I graduated even though I did not think we were ready for that.
I gave up so much of myself; video games, sports, I stopped playing the saxophone for her. I literally became a different person for her because I was (and still am) afraid of being alone. Fear of being alone forced me to wear rose tinted glasses for the last 3 years.
I'm finally starting to be myself again though it is still hard. Without her i'm excelling in my career, I've lost 25 lbs and love working out again! I'm teaching myself the guitar which is probably my favourite thing to do right now! I think i'm getting over the trust issues I developed when my relationship ended and i'm getting out there and back into the dating game again. It's been a long time and a hard road but I'm finally starting to be who I was always meant to be and while I have sad days missing being in a relationship overall I'm happier than i've been in years!!
