Aspenleaf's Duty

Chapter 27

 Badgerbane poked his head into the nursery. "Aspenleaf?" he murmured. "I... I brought you some freshkill... thought you might be hungry..."

Aspenleaf turned her head away from him. She hadn't spoken to anyone since Shadowstep's death two moons ago. The kits were getting bigger but she just didn't have the energy, nor the motivation to look after them these days. Every so often, they would creep out so as not to disturb her and she would hear Dryrose, Icemask and Robinblaze taking care of them just outside the nursery entrance, but she found she didn't care anymore. From time to time, she heard Blackheart and Tigerfang out there teaching the two little toms hunting crouches and basic battle moves, nothing that would get them hurt while learning, but challenging enough.

Dryrose had been taking care of Dizzykit as much as she could. The little she-kit was still not getting better. Her eyes were still misaligned and she still staggered dramatically when she walked. She often heard Dryrose trying to show her how to walk normally but it was evident from what she heard that she was not succeeding.

Badgerbane put down the vole before her. "Are you just going to sit in here for the rest of your life?"

She shrugged. "Perhaps." She mumbled. "Everyone else seems to be able to take care of my kits better than I can... they'd be better off without me... I couldn't keep them safe... I was a terrible enough parent that I got their father..."She closed her eyes. "I can't do this without him..."

Badgerbane moved forward and sat before her. "We all miss him, Aspenleaf... but he'd want us to..."

"Don't..." she said quietly. "You don't know what he would have wanted... we didn't think about this sort of thing... he was..." she closed her eyes. "He was meant to grow old with me." She whispered. "We were meant to have more kits. We were meant to have a long... long happy life together."

He gave a small sigh. "He was so full of life..." he agreed. "Of all of us, I never would have thought..."

Aspenleaf didn't look up. She had spent a lot of her time sleeping over the last two moons. She kept hoping she'd stumble her way to Starclan the way she had when they had almost lost Icemask, but it never happened. Her thoughts often erred on the side of pessimistic. What if he wasn't in Starclan? He had been a loner before joining the clans. Would he be there? She tried to tell herself that of course he would be there. He had committed to the clans and to her whole-heartedly... but how could she be certain?

Badgerbane looked sad for a moment, then he perked his ears up, a look of fierce determination crossing his features. "You know I told you my mother lost a litter before she had me and my sisters?" he murmured

She raised her head to look at him. "Yes?"

"She fell into a deep depression afterwards, as is to be expected... but Blackfang said to her 'the way I see it, you have two options. You can wallow away your life in misery, or you can get up, and you can fight. The choice is yours. So, what's it going to be?'" He paused and looked firmly at Aspenleaf. "Well?"

She gazed back at him for a long moment before very slowly getting to her feet. Though she didn't feel in her heart of hearts like it was worth continuing with her life without him, she also knew Badgerbane was right. Shadowstep wasn't there to live her life with her, but he had left her with three beautiful kits. In spite of her feeling like her stomach was full of moss, she forced herself to eat the mouse Badgerbane had placed before her. When she'd finished she looked up at him, swiping her tongue around her mouth. He gave a small nod of approval before turning toward the entrance of the nursery. She stepped out into the bright leaf-bare light, wincing a little. Nearby, Blackheart and Tigerfang were play training Honeykit and Ravenkit while Robinblaze and Dryrose were gently playing with Dizzykit.