SMILE

3. Decisions and him

I'm standing outside the door. It's scary. But I am too dead to even feel scared.

I open the door. Slightly hoping that she'll be out with her boyfriend but she's not.

I can hear the TV.

I stumble in the hall way and I'm trying to make my way to my room.

I hear her getting up.

I fall down. I don't have the power to get up and run for my life.

She's standing right there. She's looking at me I can feel her stare. She's angry.

I cover my head with my arms and I curl into a ball.

3
2
1

She's pulling me up with my hair.

"AH MOTHER, Let me go please". I scream out and cry.

"Oh let you go? slut?. Where the fuck were you. HUH? whoring around were you?" She thinks so less me. The mother who loved me would never say that.

But the mother I have is high half of time.
She takes my savings away to buy drugs.
She can't live without them.
Her body reacts wildly when she stops taking them. She's addicted to Marijuana and meth.

"NO! mother, I WOULD..ughhh" She punches me in my stomach.

This goes on for an hour.

She takes me up to my room and throws me in

"You aren't getting any food Tonight" that's all she says and locks my up in my room
.
I lay there for I don't know how many hours thinking how things went so wrong.

How my mother who used to wake me up with kisses, changed so horribly?
How I used to run around smiling and laughing?

How we used to go out every Saturday with my dad?

How I didn't have to worry about being hungry?

I don't know what to do with my life.

I can't take all of this beating, it's been two year.

I have had hope that everything might change or she might start being a real mother.

I crawl towards the bed and climb in.

I need to end this.
I need to end this life.
I need to end this pain.

She wouldn't care if I'm here or not.
She'll just move on.

No body needs me anyway.

I'll just.. go to the bridge tomorrow.
And jump.

With that decision in my thoughts .
I drift to sleep only to meet the worst day of my life.

Only to get nightmares.

***

I wake up early than usual and get out of bed.
So today is the day.

I need to change my clothes.

But why?
It's not like someone will come and and try to find my body.

No one will even think about me.

They will not even notice my absence.

I slowly make my way to the bathroom wash my face ,brush my teeth and hair.

I look at my self.

All I can see a mess with bloodshot eyes. Someone who cant be loved and can't love.

I unlock the door with the hair pin.

I'm hungry.

I haven't eaten anything for two days.