Anxiety

8 0 0

by SharisDC

by SharisDC

Anxiety feels like shit. It's not about being nervous because you are worried about a test or a presentation. People tend to confuse anxiety with being excited and nervous at the same time. Okay, you are scared, but you don't feel that every day. Every time I walk into crowded rooms I feel desperate, I feel the need to run away. I can't stand being in crowded rooms, I can't stand being in quiet places. Every time I'm in a room full of people I feel overwhelmed, and when it gets quiet I start to feel paranoiac. I start to hear my heart pumping blood so hard and loud. I start to hear my stomach making loud noises, even though they are not. I start to worry about what people are thinking about me. I don't want to be seen or heard, it's painful.

The first time that I had a panic attack I was presenting in front of a class. I felt kind of confident, I studied a lot and prepared my class. All of a sudden, in the middle of my presentation I started to forget things and my mind went blank. My face started to turn red and I couldn't talk properly. I tried to finish but I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt, my eyes were watering and I did not know why I was crying and feeling that way. I just messed up, everybody does, but I just couldn't figure out why I felt that way. The presentation was not even that important. Anyways, anxiety can hit you at any time, no matter how happy you feel, no matter how confident you are. It's like a little demon consuming you from the inside out.

You just can't figure out why you are feeling that way. When anxiety takes in, you cannot control yourself. You don't know why you are suddenly crying, you don't know why you're in pain. Your mind starts to run so fast, it creates a lot of stories and conspiracies about your surroundings. Why is she looking at me? Does she hate me? She must hate me. It must be the clothes I'm wearing, I'm weird. I'm not pretty. It starts to attack your self- esteem and you start to feel useless.

Sometimes my anxiety manifests as physical pain. It's not that I harm myself. I start to worry about a lot of things that I have to do during the day, I write them down, cross them off, finish them, but I never feel calm. By the end of the day, I end up with an awful chest pain that can last for days. I usually have to breathe quickly and avoid moving so it won't hurt that much. It can last for days and sometimes I have to sit while I'm sleeping.

I might feel worried about a presentation or a test, but not because of how hard they could be. I get worried about my stomach making loud noises and people could hear them. I get worried I could have anxiety attacks and run away in the middle of tests like I used to do. High School was so hard for me because of the tests, some of my friends knew I had troubles with them. I always reminded them of my stomach noises, even though they couldn't be heard. I just wanted to make sure I was safe and I could trust people. SATs were the worst because I didn't know half of the people sitting in that room and because they last 4-5 hours. I had to feel comfortable in order to be productive. That's what nobody cares about. We are so different, we have different abilities and ways of learning. Our minds are not the same. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND!!!

About relationships, I always felt insecure, I was always thinking that the person who loved me the most would leave me at any time. I had to make sure that person was reliable. I knew he was, I knew he wouldn't leave me, but I guess that's what you get when you ask someone so many times YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE ME FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. I KNOW THAT FOR SURE. So I'll give you an advice, NEVER TELL SOMEONE THAT!!! Even if it crosses your mind, don't do it. Because he could leave you and find someone else better than you. Fighting was inevitable I guess. The constant fights were horrible. I didn't mean to fight, but I always felt insecure and negative and ended up fighting. My mind was always rushing, making up fake stories, I was a maniac. I always ended up hurting the people I love the most.

Now I'm scared of hurting people's feelings and I always try to get away from them. The minute I feel they're getting closer, I run. Even with my family, I end up hurting their feelings. I don't know if this is just anxiety or a mixture of other beautiful issues. I know I have flaws and that I need to fix them. You cannot embrace those, you cannot keep hurting people. I need to be happy.