Anxiety/bpd

Letter 1

Dear future husband (don't roll your eyes)... I just want to let you know that I mighty be hard to deal with. I might not be as easy and good as the other women. I might be a little crazy.
I just found out that I have bpd, and I'm trying to find help. My family don't believe I'm ill, they think that my sudden tantrums are normal. They think I'm just naïve. They think I'm going thru adolescence. The truth is, I can't even stand myself, I hate me. Sometimes I get mad and don't know why. Sometimes I get sad and depressed and want to kill myself but then I regret. I overthink everything and am a little psychotic. I might see guys and if they look at me the slightest second I might start making up fake stories that I end up believing that they love me. Or viceversa, I might think people hate me and cannot stand me. My neighbors might play the same music I listen to and I would think they are copying me. The truth is that everybody listen to those songs. One moment I might be happy with you, but if you say something that can hurt me the least I might get sad and cry. When I get mad and sad I usually get quiet first. I try to run away from people so I could be alone even though I don't want to. I want people who I care to hug me but I don't know how to get so much love when I know I don't deserve it. I don't usually get a lot of love, it's weird for me. I repeat a lot of things because i think they're special and should be heard. When you don't pay attention to them I get mad. I like to be isolated because i get so calmed. But then when I find out how lonely I am, get sad and try to call friends. I like to feel pain internally. I guess my mind got used to it. My mind tries to block everything that hurts me. If you hurt me months ago, right now I can't remember what you did to me. I can love people today and hate them tomorrow. Im good at that, i hate peoples laugh, i hate the way they walk, how they look at me. I'm so unstable and I hate that. But I guess it's part of me. Two days ago I wanted to kill myself, I was overthinking and trying to come up with different scenarios. I could take pills, jump out of a bridge. But then I felt guilty, and afraid. I've never loved someone so hard. The only time I did I got hurt and disappointed. I felt like that person lied to me. Now I cannot trust anybody. Nor even my family, people can abandon you at any moment no matter how hard they promise they'll stay. They won't!!! I'm a little happy because now I understand why I feel this way every day, it's nobody's fault. I have demons and I need to learn how to deal with them. Now I get why I always want to dye my hair and cut it, it's part of bpd, it's not like I'm crazy. My brain doesn't work the same way others do. I just want to tell you to be patient with me. I will be hard to deal, and if I end up truly loving you, I know I'll do everything to make you happy, I'll put you on a throne because I'll never be able to hate you like I do with other people. You will be special and my mind will never change about you. No matter how bad people tell me you are, I will always love you and see you as a perfect person. You might think I am a little bit too intense. I am just telling you what my heart and mind feels and sorry for writing too much. And sorry for saying sorry so many times. I will always say that because it's part of me, and if you cannot accept me the way I am, it's alright. We ain't perfect. I guess I have lots of flaws,I guess I was too selfish. You might not be my future husband, but I really wanted us to be together. You don't know how painful it is to be alive and have a lot of thoughts on my mind. It gets bad every time my mind starts to make up stories. Sometimes I scare myself, you don't know what's on my mind but you were the closest person who could understand me. I don't think anybody will be able to do it. You might think I'm pathetic for keep sending you messages. I just don't want to let you go, even tho I should. You deserve to be happy with someone who is sane and better. Someone who gives you what I could not give you. That person might not be able to love you half the way I did, unless you find another crazy girl like me. My mind is going crazy right now. It keeps telling me that you care about me, but then it starts telling me that you want to move on, and probably you do. It keeps telling me that you found someone else, it tells me that you are not interested anymore, that you got sick of me. It tells me that you were probably cheating on me or someone told you how bad I was for you (probably am) and I can't stand my mind anymore. It keeps hurting me. I might look like someone happy, but on the inside I'm dying. My mind is hurting me and if people try to hurt me I get sad easily and my self esteem dies. I would like to know what you're thinking, you're probably sick of me. And it's okay, I would be if I were you. I wouldn't have dated me. I don't know what you were thinking. I know you're tired, and I just want to thank you for reading and for coping with me for so much time. I guess I'm the toxic one. You shouldn't even be talking to me and you are being nice, which I hate. Because once again, I like pain.