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"grams, i'm so sorry time got away and there were so many distractions that i completely forgot." i said walking into the door and seeing she was sitting in her chair.
but she seemed strange, she looked like she was sleeping with her eyes open, holy shit... no.
"grams?" i said walking over to grab her hand.
when i did, my hand went cold as my skin touched hers. my mind completely went to a state of panic.
"oh, my god. grams, please wake up. come on, grams." i said shaking her lightly.
i didn't wanna admit it to myself. i didn't wanna say that she was gone and it was all my fault.
"no, no, no, no, no, no, no. grams wake up!" i shouted but once her hand fell out of mine i knew she was gone.
she wasn't going to wake up, she was dead.
and it was all my fault.
but it was strange, i didn't cry, i didn't feel anything. i just felt so numb. i felt like i lost a limb but i didn't feel it. it was like you could stab through my heart and i wouldn't feel a thing, not even a pinch.
my mind went from a state of panic quickly to a state of numbness and that was horrifying because it meant that i was slowly losing myself again. just like last time.
losing her is like losing him all over again. i can't go through this again. last time i was full of emotions but this time i don't feel anything and that's what scares me.
i didn't know how i was gonna be able to face mike, taylor and emma. how was i supposed to tell them this? it was gonna crush them more than it's crushing me.
then i started wondering how the hell am i going to tell anyone about this? lip, ian, mickey. how the hell would i tell them. i just didn't think i could find the courage to tell them what i didn't wanna admit to myself.
i hated knowing that i wasn't here. i could've done something but instead i was selfish and went out with my boyfriend while my grandmother sat in her chair in pain and she just..... died. she just died. my grandmothers dead.
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i was currently walking in the middle of the street and i just kept walking and walking. i didn't care that their were cars that were coming they would just slow down and go around or yell at me through the window. still, i couldn't give less of a fuck.
i was pretty much breaking inside but i couldn't feel a goddamn thing. i wondered if it was better this way, was it?
i mean considering how emotional i was when he died, i wasn't sure i wanted to put myself through that again.
