Flushed (Troyler AU)

Chapter 10

Troye’s POV

Today was the day I was flying out to Australia to record my next studio album. I was not at all prepared, having only a few songs written. I guess my fifteen hour flight would be used to jot down some lyrics, instead of the sleep I would so desperately need for the next day. The reason for my slacking off? It was my cute boyfriend, of course. Not that I was blaming him for it, definitely not. I was usually the one to plan couple-y things for us to do, whether it was lunch, a movie date or our recent camping trip, where we weren’t bombarded by cameras for the first time. Though we always tried to stay away from the public’s eye, the paparazzi followed us everywhere we went. I was used to it, but Tyler, I wasn’t so sure about. The press had even stalked him to his apartment while he had been alone. It was all new to Tyler, yet he handled it pretty well, surprising me quite a bit.

I had finally mustered up the courage yesterday, to ask him the question I had been meaning to for two weeks now. It felt so good to finally be able to introduce him as “Tyler, my boyfriend,” rather than stuttering like an idiot, gnawing at my brain for figure out exactly what we were. And now a day later I would be leaving him; it was almost comedic.

I had no clue about how everything would work out and did not even want to start thinking about all the complications of our situation, knowing my head would be pounding by the end. I have only been in one other serious relationship, which ended with heartbreak. Not for me though, I had been the one to completely fuck it up when the long distance just became too much. Back then I was only nineteen, my music career quickly unraveling, causing me to travel constantly. One night, I caved in letting my dick think for me, despite all the warning signs popping up in my mind. Still unaccustomed to the whole paparazzi thing, I had no idea their prying eyes would be on every corner of my personal space and certainly not near fully packed night clubs. The next day I received a very angry call from my ex-boyfriend, who saw the pictures half way across the world. I had acted like an asshole, pretending to be indifferent, although inside I blamed myself. The guilt was eating me, I knew I had fucked up the moment the man’s hand squeezed my thigh, yet I did not react, allowing his hand to travel up further. I wasn’t as broken, just full of remorse; he had been my first love after all. Truthfully, I had always felt excessively guilty, about anything and everything since I was a child, so when I was the only one to blame this time the feeling overtook my life.

To cope with my overwhelming emotions, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I wrote song after song, hoping for some relief, anything to take the pain and guilt away. When that didn’t help I turned to alcohol, and with my intoxicated mind came home a different guy, every night. My actions were laughable, but not in joking way, more so disgraceful; I had hit an all-time low.

Fast forward four years to now, I was still terrified of the same situation repeating itself, telling people I had “commitment” issues. Though my bad habits continued, this time I was usually perfectly sober. Out of my closest friends, even I called myself out on being a coward multiple times. After all, everything was in my hands, I was to make decisions for myself, yet I could not trust myself again. A grown man scared of being in a relationship because if he was to cheat, the feeling of contrition would destroy him. Pathetic, right? I had instilled the thought into my mind that I was incapable of devoting myself to one person, it being the only thing I actually longed for.  Even with Tyler by my side I still had the same urges, but stopped to think reasonably before I fucked up what we had as well.

Tyler made me realize that I could be in a relationship, because each time I looked him in the eyes or held his hand a fuzzy feeling rose in my chest, leading me to the one thing I was sure about-him. When I was with him the feeling of fear subsided slightly, all my thoughts consumed by him. His presence was comforting, loving and lively. Even when we weren’t together, my mind was embossed with his image, his electric touch lingering on my skin.