hey. i know it's been a while. i'm still not really sure what to say. i guess i should apologize though for disappearing all the time. i'm afraid i don't really have any excuse except that it's easier sometimes (to just not be there, than to be there, and not really be there at all.)
(i guess) i've been avoiding people for quite a while now. (i'm not sure how long it's been, really.) it's pretty [awfully] quiet.
sadly, i don't know how to make it anything but quiet. sometimes i feel like i'm reeling and everything is spinning. other times it just feels like when you've been staring at the ceiling for way too long. there's this feeling i can't shake off lately. and i realize it's something i've felt for quite a long time before. but somehow i've forgotten about it along the way. and now it's back and everything feels like it's spinning again. there's just this persistent feeling of being out of sync with the world, out of sync with everything, like i'm looking at everything in fisheye and everything's distorted and far away and nothing makes sense and it feels like i'm trapped here. like i'm supposed to be somewhere else, but that somewhere else just doesn't seem to exist. i just want to slip out of my skin, slip out of this world or something. i don't know. i just want to not be here but i want to know how to be here at the same time. doesn't really make sense. anyways,
i just wanted to say sorry for not being there all the time. i can be a pretty crappy friend. i hope things are going great for you, though or that things are at least okay, or that even if it's not, you can more or less be okay with it. i probably sound dramatic right now, but whatever, it's 2 a.m. and i'm slightly unstable, so this is still more or less normal for me. i hope the things around the corner aren't still so terrifying, and i hope your thoughts aren't gnawing at you again. and that maybe even if they are, you have something to help get you through it. i'll try to sober up and send a song or something to make you laugh once in a while. i'll probably still keep disappearing though. but i'll try a bit more this time.
sincerely,
