Dreams (Zarry)

Chapter 16

After a couple of days in NY I realized that maybe being by myself hadn't been the best idea on my part. It had been the first time that I had time off and was completely alone since more than half a year. And being by myself like this brought a lot of memories back, memories from before the tour, memories of Harry. I had started to think more and more of him. Not that he ever completely left my thoughts. It had just increased considerably since I had been back from touring. I had from time to time googled him and knew that he was on tour now. He had switched girlfriends quite often, which made sense, since it was never real, at least that's what I thought, and maybe his management wanted to portrait him as a womanizer. The tabloids definitely ate that up. Sometimes I felt bad for him. He was seen in such a bad light and it was not fair considering that his music alone would have made him the biggest superstar on the planet. He didn't need any shady stories around him to boost his career.

I once more wondered how there were so many parallels in my life with what I had experienced in that cursed dream. Was it supposed to be a warning? An indication of things that could happen? There was my anxiety which definitely made an appearance outside of that dream, not as pronounced, but still. Also Harry being a so-called womanizer. That had happened in the dream as well. He had suffered a lot during that time. Did he suffer now?

And then there was the fallout Harry and I had had. It didn't happen the same way, but it clearly happened. It wasn't the first time that I wondered how life in that dream world would have continued. Would Harry and I have been able to reconcile? Would that then in turn have been an indication of us reconciling in real life? Did I actually want to know? Was it a twisted way of telling the future?

I sighed deeply, rubbing my temples. I felt a headache coming. I couldn't make heads or tails of that dream. I tried to read a meaning into it, but was there even a message to be had from it? Should I just keep my thoughts from lingering on it? I had for the longest time placed so much significance on it, but maybe it meant absolutely. Maybe it really just was what it was - a dream - nothing more, nothing less. I once had this wonderful notion that it had a deeper meaning, that a higher power was trying to tell me something - tell us, Harry and me, something. We had liked the idea of us being meant to be together, that it had been fate. How wrong we both had been.

I still missed Harry terribly though. I had never even tried to contact him after what happened. My drunk messages were still the last ones I had sent to him and I wasn't happy about that. I didn't know why I hadn't contacted him again. No, I did know why. It was because I was afraid. I was afraid of what else we would say to each other, of what else could go wrong and make a terrible situation even worse. I didn't want to hate him. I never ever wanted to get to that point. Even though I had felt betrayed, I still loved him, and I thought that he had good reasons for what he did. I just wished it would have gone differently.

Now I thought maybe he was doing ok. He seemed to certainly enjoy being on tour and the attention he was getting. I liked to watch videos that fans had made of some of his concerts. I had known that he would be amazing on stage and from what I had seen that was certainly the case.

Being alone and stuck with my record and thoughts of how to put it together, for some reason I couldn't stop thinking of Harry. I couldn't stop wishing that I could just pick up the phone and talk to him. To ask for advice, to just have somebody who would understand. I had never before asked him for advice, I had never seemed to need it at the time. But I desperately wanted it now. Or maybe it was just an excuse. Maybe I just wanted to hear his voice. I still had his number. I had never even considered deleting it. But maybe it wasn't his number anymore. Maybe he changed it to send me a sign that he didn't want to talk to me, considering that he had never tried to contact me either. Did that make sense? Was I just going in circles? My thoughts of him certainly seemed to be endless and I wondered.