Blue Rose Petals (Shizaya)

Anxiety

Izaya was clinging onto Shizuo, crying and trying to catch his breath again. He didn't understand what was happening or where he was, but the warm figure he held onto felt safe, yet it still didn't manage to calm him. He was so scared and at that moment it felt like he was trapped in hell. He felt fear, chaos, weakness and pain. His chest and throat were aching in pain from the hard coughing. Izaya just wanted it all to stop, to disappear. "P-please make i-it sto-stop.", he coughed out. He hiccuped repeatedly and pulled at Shizuo's shirt tightly, almost ripping it. "Izaya you're safe. You just need to calm down. Izaya breathe in...and out, just like this, okay?" Izaya repeated after Shizuo, eyes still closed tightly and after a while, it helped a little bit. "Izaya where does it hurt?" "Ch-chest, throat.", he whispered exhausted, with tears still rolling down his cheeks. Slowly he got aware of his surroundings again and let his body relax into Shizuo's arms. "D-do you h-hate me Shizu-chan?", he asked with a cracking voice, afraid of the truth. Shizuo was surprised by the sudden question, which he saw as kinda random in this situation. He rubbed Izaya's back gently. "Of course not Izaya." "So y-you won't leave me behind? You w-won't use me? You don't want me d-dead?" Shizuo's eyes widened at Izaya's words and he frowned. 'So Izaya naturally expects to be used? That would explain his trust issues.' "Izaya I would never hurt you, I promise. I care about you." He was aware that he was probably repeating himself, but that was the truth and he didn't know what else to say but that. "I really do Izaya...I do..." Shizuo still couldn't comprehend his feelings, such a strong feeling for his ex-nemesis. Izaya was once, not just a simple enemy, but his arch-nemesis! And now, now he felt so much care and love towards the flea and he couldn't catch up with this new emotion he felt for Izaya. He finally admitted it was love, yet still, he couldn't quite believe it. And Izaya couldn't either. As a kid he'd always look at people who hoped, believed in some kind of miracle they wished would happen and never understood how those people could truly think that anything like a miracle was even possible. And yet here he was after many years, experiencing his own miracle. The miracle he thought wasn't possible. But...was it truly what it looked like? Was all this an illusion perhaps? Because miracles aren't real, right? As they say 'Don't judge a book by it's cover'. Maybe his sugar-sweet words were rotten on the inside. But everything that Shizuo said and did felt so real. He said he didn't hate him, that he cared about him. He was holding him at that very moment, staying by his side. So what was the truth?

Shinra inspected Izaya, coming to the conclusion that his anxiety coughs increase late in the day, at night and sometimes when resting, relaxing, and even sleeping. Because of that the airways are irritated from repeated coughing and result in coughing up blood. Also when he woke up he was so confused and scared, mixing up reality with his dreams, which then lead to a panic attack. And sometimes Izaya would throw up; which was a result of his stress and anxiety as well.

But that's not the only thing he told Izaya. Shinra brought up their last talk on the phone and wanted to apologize, but Izaya just brushed it off, saying it was alright. After that Shinra left the room and went to the living room to talk to Shizuo.

Izaya was listening to every word the blond exchanged with the doctor. He heard Shizuo say how worried he is and noticed the upset tone in his voice. Guilt filled him up, guilt for making the man worry so much and for making him so sad and probably disappointed as well. Just by being near him he was feeling sad and Izaya's mind was so sure that the blond was getting worse that he convinced himself that his eyes lost it's spark, his face darkened and that he started getting wrinkles from the stress of keeping up with a flea like him. But even though Shizuo was indeed upset it wasn't as overexaggerated as Izaya's mind visualized it. Shizuo was motivated by the thought that he could help and be there for him. Yet Izaya was blind to the truth. He was blinded by self-loath and his fear of hurting the blond as well as getting hurt. Over these past weeks, Izaya showed his weaknesses to Shizuo and was scared that he would use that information against him someday. He couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of Shizuo just acting as if he had feelings for him to simply dump him in the end as revenge for all these years of Izaya making his life a living hell.

Izaya was thrown out of his thoughts by a quiet knock on the door that was then slowly opened. "Izaya? Are you awake?" "Sure am Shizu-chan~" 'Yeah, sadly. Awake and still alive, unfortunately.', is what he actually would prefer to say. "I thought you might be sleeping. You must be exhausted after everything that happened." "Don't wanna have another nightmare so I didn't even try to fall asleep." Shizuo came up to him and sat on the bed. He was smelling like cigarettes which disgusted Izaya a bit. Sure, he liked Shizuo's 'musky-cigarette-mixed-with-milk' kind of scent, but right after he smoked the smell of cigarettes would be way too overwhelming and strong, which Izaya despised. "You smell horrible Shizu-chan." "Watch your mouth flea." "You went out for a smoke didn't you? I would advise you to stop that unless you want to have lung cancer or you want me to throw you out of my house for smelling like shit." Shizuo gritted his teeth in annoyance, but just joked back: "Well you already tried to kick me out, but did it work? You can try again and see how well that goes. And also, if you wouldn't annoy me all the time I would smoke three times less." Izaya sighed as if to show him that it was useless to try and convince a close-minded monster like him and just sat up; bored of laying around.

The curious blond kept their uncomfortable silence for a while before finally asking about Izaya's nightmare. "I don't wanna talk about it.", was the answer. "So you're not telling me? Huh, guess I'll have to force you!" Izaya's eyes showed a spark of fear for a split second before he started laughing loudly. "Haha!!! S-stooop!!! Ha-Shi-Shizu-hahaha!!!" The taller male tickled the raven without any mercy. "Tell me Izaya~ I won't stop until you tell me~" Rolling around the bed with tears in his eyes Izaya begged Shizuo to stop. After all, one of Izaya's weaknesses was that he was very ticklish. "S-sto- ple-please! C-can't ta-haha take it any-anymo-haha!" "Tell~" "Alright, alright! Ju-just stop!" Shizuo stopped, ruffling Izaya's hair a bit. "So~?" "You're mean." It took the raven a second to calm down before he could answer. He decided to leave out the whole thing with the rose and just tell him how he heard Shizuo's voice. "I-I heard your voice...you..you were telling me things like 'I hate you!' and 'why were you even born?!' Shizuo cupped Izaya's face in his palms reassuring him that it wasn't him and that he'd never say things like that. Izaya then hugged the man beside him tightly. "I understand if you would..." "Well, but I don't." Izaya whispered 'I'm sorry' quietly enough for Shizuo not to notice it. "Sure you don't wanna try to sleep?" Izaya's silence made Shizuo worry for a second, but then Izaya finally answered shyly: "Only if you'll stay with me." Chuckling, he lay beside the raven and opened his arms welcoming. Izaya accepted the embrace and soon his crimson eyes closed, his long eyelashes resting on his face as his breath evened and his lips were slightly parted tempting the blond to kiss him. Shizuo looked at the beautiful face in front of him with a smile as he then slowly drifted off to sleep as well.