repercussions ✓

XXIV. I ALWAYS WANNA DIE SOMETIMES

trigger warning (again)

MATT CAN'T BREATHE.

"No, Luke, please, this isn't..." And Matt wishes he could say that he believes that Luke is joking (in some twisted way) about this, but he doesn't. He knows why Ash never called him back, never talked to him that next day.

"I-I'm sorry." Luke whispers in reply, tears clouding his vision. He's so trapped in his own mind that he doesn't hear the door unlock and see Ashton walk in, looking more confused than ever. He stands in silence for a while, looking between Luke and Matt.

"Is this because of me?"

Luke nods a little, watching Ash warily. "I'm sorry, Ash. I need you to be alright." Matt nods in agreement, and then the wave of how much he genuinely misses Ashton hits him head-on, and not even romantically. They always used to just talk and screw around late at night, playing Truth or Dare and joking about kissing Alex Gaskarth.

"Hey, Matt." Ashton says, sitting down next to him, and gently leaning into the other boy. Every single one of Matt's cells are burning and screaming as Ashton sighs a little, before shuffling closer to him. He sounds like such an awful poet, but everyone wants to write poems about how beautiful Ashton is.

Instinctively, Matt holds Ashton closer to him. It's difficult for him to try and see this in a platonic light - despite how he'd rather have Ashton as a friend than not at all - but eventually it just feels normal enough for him to relax.

"I'm sorry." Ashton says into the silence, before turning his head to look up at Matt properly. "I-I didn't want to hurt myself, but... I don't know. There's always a part of me that wants to die. Even when I'm happy, even when I'm doing so well, there's always a section of my brain that just says 'This is all well and good, but what if I threw myself in front of that train? What if I jumped into that lake at 3am? What if I went to that field in the dead of night and drank poison?'."

Matt just nods along, fingers absentmindedly stroking Ashton's hair. "Ash? I feel so bad. I wish I could help you get better."

"You can't. It's just a fact of life. Being so depressed before and then seeing Luke go through it a few years ago just made this sort of irreparable scar on my brain, that I'm always going to feel like that and I can't turn it off."

The other boy just sits there without saying anything, because he's starting to realise. Ashton felt equally as bad about ending their relationship as Matt did, and then he started to try and make it worse, and now Ashton is suffering even more. He had to end things for his own sanity.

"I'm sorry, Ashton." He repeats, and the redhead just smiles a little.

"Don't worry too much about it, Matt. Still friends?"

Matt can't help but grin. "Of course we are."