Never Truly Healed

Just Breathe

"So... how did it go?"

Jacquelyn and I sat around the kitchen island, drinking tea. She knows that it calms me down.

"I... I told her about how I've been feeling... anxious lately. How I've had some trouble sleeping at night, how I sometimes lose my appetite. How I have this... this voice in my head, just spewing... negative slurs at me, constantly." My sister raised her eyebrows.

"Did you happen to tell her about...?" she trailed off. I sigh heavily when she shakes her head. I drop my head low. "Cel, you cannot keep what happened to you, bottled up." My sister vehemently shakes her head, the tears welling up in her eyes.

"I'm just... not ready, Jacqui." Her head shoots up at me. "How soon would you tell someone that you were sexually assaulted by a complete stranger?" Jacquelyn seems to realize what I just said as her eyes go wide. Her lip quivers and her eyes well up with tears. She goes around the island to wrap me in her arms.

"I'm so sorry, Celeste..." she whispered. "I... I'm so sorry..." She's at a loss for words as I wrap my arms around her waist, clinging to her.

"You... You weren't there when it happened..." I whisper.

"I know, I know, honey, and I..." She sobbed, holding me. "I'm truly, so sorry...!" We lean against the island and we both slid down to the floor, in each others' embrace.

***

Time goes by and it's about an hour and a half later. Things quieted down for a bit before Jacquelyn ran her hand through my hair.

"... I'm hungry," I mumbled. Jacqui tries to stifle a laugh.

"Wanna help me with dinner?" I shyly nod into her chest. I feel her lips in my hair as she kisses my head. She helps me up off the floor. "What are you thinking we should make?"

"... Spaghetti and meatballs."

"And for dessert?"

I think for a second.

"Mmm, either chocolate-chip cookies or fudge brownies." Jacqui licks her lips, nodding approvingly.

"How 'bout both?" My eyes widen at her idea. "We can make a dozen of each.

"Seriously?" I laugh. Jacqui shrugs.

"Whatever's leftover, you can bring to class tomorrow."

"Okay, then."

Jacqui looked at the clock in the kitchen for the time. 4:45pm.

"Mom's gonna be home soon, so we better get started."

***

It's been a little over an hour and the batch of brownies are finished.

I step over to the oven, slipping the oven mitts on. I open the oven and glance at Jacqui as she checks on the spaghetti. She gives a nod.

"It's simmering really well. Want a taste?" As I'm getting the brownies out of the oven, I give her an enthusiastic nod. I went over to the stove as she scoops a bit of the spaghetti sauce onto a wooden spoon. "Careful," she warns me. "It's hot." I blow on the spoon a few times before bringing my lips to the tip of it, letting the sauce coat my mouth. I smile before licking my lips. Jacqui giggled. "That good, huh?"

"Try it." I scoop up a bit of the sauce for her to try. I bring it to her lips. She tastes it and sighs contently.

"Oh, my gosh."

"Right?" Jacqui holds her fist up.

"Good teamwork right there." I laugh and bump my fist with hers. "Nice work, little sister." I look at the clock. It's near 6:40pm. As if on cue, I hear the front door open.

"Hey, girls! I'm home!"

"Hey, Mama!" I cried.

"Hi, Mom!" Jacqui exclaimed, slipping her apron off and turning the stove off. She went over and hugged our Mom. "How was work today?"

"It was a lot, but by God's grace, I got it done." I took my apron off and went over to hug Mom.

"That's great, Mom."

"It smells fantastic in here. Did you girls cook?" I nodded happily.

"I'll set the table. You're gonna love it, Mama, trust us."

***

Fifteen minutes into dinner (after saying grace) and my Mom, sister and I are laughing our heads off talking about a TV show that Jacqui saw the other day.

Once the laughter died down, Mom looks over at me.

"So, how was class today, Celeste?" I pursed my lips, nodding.

"It was good. I'm keeping up."

"And, did you make it to that appointment?"

"Yeah," Jacqui answered. "I picked her up from class like you asked me to." I pursed my lips, glancing to my Mom, but not meeting her eyes.

"How did it go?"

"It was... nerve-wracking, but once I got some of the answers I've been wondering about, I... felt a bit better."

"That's good. I'm proud of you, sweetie." Mom reaches over and takes my hand. I look at her with a soft smile, returning her grip on my hand.

"Thanks, Mom."

***

I'm suddenly surrounded by darkness. I look around and don't see a single shrivel of light anywhere.

"Mom? Jacqui? Where are you guys?" All of a sudden, I'm surrounded by all of my loved ones. Aunts, uncles, my cousins, James, Jacqui, even Marie, and Leana. I grin seeing all of the smiling faces around me. The next second, in the corner of this dark space, I see... him standing outside the circle of my family and friends. He reaches his arm out. My eyes widen when I notice what's in his other hand. A knife.

He grabs the first person in the circle. Mom. He wraps her in a headlock and stabs her stomach.

"No! Mommy! No!" I shriek.

I try to run to her. But my legs are numb. I can't move from the spot that I'm in. It's like my legs are paralyzed. I scream for him to stop hurting everyone.

"Leave them alone! Don't touch my family, you beast!"

He murders my family, my friends, my love, my mentors. Soon, I'm surrounded by a flood of blood and bodies. I'm on the floor, sobbing violently. I wrap my arms around myself, completely vulnerable. I whimper everyone's names.

"God... Lord, please, help me..."

My head low, I glance to my right hand and my eyes widened.

When did that knife get in my hand?!

I quickly look up to see him, leering down at me. The next second, I see the most horrifying thing I've seen.

The monster that raped my innocence and just murdered my entire family and loved ones right in front of me... smiles. He smiles this eerie smile.

I'm still staring blankly at him. I feel my right arm raising with the knife.

I can't do this anymore... I just want this all to go away... I want it all... to end.

I slit my throat.

***

My eyes nearly fly out of their sockets. I put my hand to my chest. My heart is racing. And before I know it... I can barely breathe. The anxiety is kicking in. I can feel it. I quietly sit up out of my bed. I reach over to my nightstand to grab my phone to check the time. 3:37am. I blew a breath and close my eyes.

Deep breaths, Celeste, deep breaths... It was just a dream... Just breathe and it'll all go away... Just breathe, just...

I open my eyes and in the darkness of my room, I see... him in the reflection of the mirror on my dresser. My eyes widen and I scream at the top of my lungs.