Still Holding On (Jenlisa)

Chapter 18

Lisa's POV

I felt like I was drowning. No matter how hard I tried to stay afloat, I kept sinking.

As I sat in my plane seat waiting for the flight to depart, I felt empty. When I saw her, it hurt more than I realised it would. I walked away all those months ago but the wounds still felt fresh.

She seemed happy. Jin seemed happy. Everything seemed to be perfect. Me? I was a completely different story. I was an absolute wreck and somehow I managed to keep it from the surface, but inside I was miserable. I knew that my family could tell that something wasn't quite right, but how could I explain it to them? My brother married the woman that I had fallen completely and utterly in love with and I had to leave her. I had to suffer this burden alone. It was my only choice.

She looked so radiant and beautiful. She literally took my breath away. I desperately missed her. I missed the way she smelled. I missed her smile. I missed the way she would lay her head on my chest and sigh. I just missed her. The way my name sounded on her lips. She was all that mattered to me, but she was his. And she had always been. It was probably all just a mistake to her.

They had a family now. Grace brought them closer together. I could see the way she looked at him. It made me jealous. I wanted her to look at me that way. She wouldn't though. She didn't love me. She loved him and that was how everything was always meant to be.

"Lisa" Taehyung said, snapping me out of my private torture. "You're frowning" He said.

"Yeah. I'm just bummed about having to leave Grace. She's amazing" I lied. 

"Me too. Makes me want one you know?" He said.

I smiled. "Yeah I know what you mean"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure" I sighed.

"What have you been doing in Seoul?" He asked.

"You really wanna know?" I asked.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know" He replied.

"Working out the details of being released from my record contract" I told him.

"Well holy shit Lis. That's kinda a big deal. Why?" He asked as I felt the plane begin to taxi.

"I want out. I'm tired of the industry shit" I stated.

It was a simple answer. He seemed satisfied because he just nodded in response.

"Do whatever you think is the best for you" He said as he opened up a magazine and started reading.

As usual, my thoughts drifted back to Jennie. She was driving me insane. She was all I could think about.

I felt gravity push me back in my seat as the flight lifted off the ground. I watched as the earth disappeared below me. I wondered what she was doing right now. I sat in silence the entire flight. I missed her and it was slowly destroying me.

I was relieved when Taehyung and I finally made it back to home. I needed to be alone. I grabbed a bottle of Jack and sat out on the front porch looking into the night sky. Every night she would come out here looking for me. I smiled when I remembered the first time she came out here. She was nervous. I wasn't. I was drunk and carefree. Things were simpler then. I wanted so badly to go back in time and erase that first kiss. I couldn't sit on that wooden bench without thinking about her. I never should have kissed her. She never should have followed me that night.

I continued to drink until the bottle was nearly empty. I stood up and stumbled out into the yard. Everything was a blur. The alcohol softened the edges of the landscape, turning it into one blurry mess. I moved closer to the bench and rested my hand against its side. Without its support, I probably would've fell. As I stood there and stared into the emptiness ahead of me, I felt angry and so alone. I slowly sank to the grass and rested my forehead against the bench's arm. I felt so hopeless. My heart felt like it was in my throat and I couldn't breathe. Once the tears started to fall, they wouldn't stop.