Yellow

Yellow Pen

We were freshmen in college back that time. Both of us took literature as we found the course really interesting and complex.

The first time I saw you, we were in our room and we listened to our prof speaking, you turned your head in my direction and saw me looking at you or rather me staring at you but you greeted me with a smile. I instantly withdrew what I was doing and went back from listening to our prof but I can't help but notice how drawn I was to you.

For couple of weeks it was always like that, me admiring you from our class. Until one day, we had a group project and you chose me as your partner.

I felt my heart would explode from joy when I knew I got to spend some time with you. You said hi when we were introduced properly and I replied with a nod as I didn't know what to say.

Days passed and we became comfortable around each other for our project.

I noticed that you always use this certain yellow pen for your writing and I remember asking why but your answer was only a shrug.

Anyways, we went on to present our topic and luckily we were graded B+. I remembered how happy we were knowing of our results, so happy that we hugged each other tightly. I still remember how you smell, your perfume lingers in my nose missing that particular scent. That scent which I'd recognized instantly.

Time went by and we grew more closer to each other. My feelings for you did the same thing apparently.

I realized I was actually starting to like you but had no guts to confess. Afraid of getting rejected or you avoiding me if ever I did.

The only way I knew how to express these feelings was by writing. And that's exactly what I did. One day, I suddenly had the guts to tell you how I feel.

It was clear in my memory. It happened on Monday around 5 pm; English 201, our last subject for the day. I borrowed your yellow pen that time and wrote on a piece of paper how much I like you and made you read it.

When you read what's written on the paper, I couldn't tell what was going on inside your head but slowly your mouth turned upward into a faint smile. I thought for a second, that maybe our feelings were mutual. 

I was hoping big time  not gonna lie.

But what you said next broke my heart. I didn't know it would hurt that bad as soon as you said those sentences. That you only saw me as a friend. My heart crumpled into pieces, mind blank.

Nothing more, nothing less. Though you felt really thankful for someone like me to actually like you and that's it. I couldn't show you what I was really feeling at that time and so I hid it with a smile and joked that It was okay.

It wasn't.  I was not okay.

As the day ended, I cried my heart out to how painful it was by being rejected by the person you're actually into.

I distanced myself to you and as time passed by again, we grew apart. My feelings for you though was constant throughout our college years. We became strangers like we did last time but deep down inside, I wished you'd say hi again.

But when graduation came, I had the courage to give you a farewell gift. It was the same yellow pen you use everyday.

Even though we don't talk anymore I was always there watching out for you. A glance of you would be enough for me and I'll notice every little single detail about you. 

How you frown when you're focusing on a subject. How your eyes smile when you're in a good mood and how you use that same yellow pen for writing.

For the last time, I want you to remember me as someone who liked you for long enough. After that I guess we'll see where it leads us. The yellow pen, a remembrance of myself to you.