Like a dream

CHAPTER-9. NOW

Looking at the Khanna mansion floods my brain with nostalgic memories. The memories I treasure dearly. As I drive into the colossal four pillared entrance, I feel like driving back into the past when I first came here with Nick to meet his mother, Lily Miller.
I give my car keys to the valet and climb the short stairs to the main door. A large board engraved with Nick's dad’s name ‘Khanna mansion’ sits near the door. The head Butler Mr Mason greets me ‘ Welcome Ms Leila, Good to see you after a long time’
‘Thank you, Mr Mason, nice to see you too.’
‘Everybody is waiting for you in the parlour’ he guides me into the exquisite foyer and takes my trench coat. The polished Italian marble floor mirrors the crystal chandelier hanging from the soaring ceiling.
On the right is a large portrait of cute teenage Nick and his sister Kayla Miller. My eyes linger on Nick's innocent face which dons a jubilant smile. It's a million dollar smile which I can never get to see even if I pay a zillion dollars.
‘Leila!’ I turn to see Kayla walking towards me with outstretched hands and pulls me into a warm embrace.
‘Kayla’ I whisper hugging her back. We break our embrace after a few seconds. Holding my face within her hands, she asks ‘How have you been doing?’
‘I'm doing good. Better than I've thought’ I say forcing a laugh. Refusing, her worried hazel green eyes search my face for an honest answer.
I smile gently ‘ I'm seriously alright Kayla. Please don't worry. I'm over it.’ I lie to Kayla and to myself. I can feel the walls I've built around my emotions starting to wear off. I can feel my heart getting heavier and heavier as each second passes by. I let a heavy breath and say ‘ Come on Kayla. Take me to Nick.’
She takes my hand and gives a gentle squeeze and leads me.
We walk into the parlour where I find her dad Amardeep Khanna talking to Tony and Fred.
Mr Khanna notices my entrance ‘Oh, it's Leila!’ he says and stands up from the couch to welcome me ‘ I'm so glad that you are here today.’ He shakes my hand. ‘You were a very important person for Nick. He would be happy to see you.’
Yeah, I was. But not now.
I give him a small smile knowing that I would cry if I talk. A large lump forms in my throat making my breathing shallow. Tony and Fred give me a nod with a smile. They are Nick's best friends who have come to visit him on this important day.
‘So shall we go?’ Mr Khanna gestures towards the courtyard where Nick is.
We walk in silence to the courtyard. The silence threatening to shatter my composure. My head is down all the way and my fingers nervously fidgeting with the white roses in my hand. Cool air embraces as I step into the courtyard reminding me of my last visit to this place. My mind goes fumbling down the slope of memories. The days we spent together and the memories we made and the laughter we shared now tears my heart into a million shreds.
After walking amidst the greenery, our footsteps halt in the corner of the courtyard. Taking a deep breath, I raise my head slowly meeting those hazel green eyes which bore intensely into my eyes.
I stand rooted to the spot, looking at him. Looking at the face which made many promises which were never fulfilled. The face which asked me to walk beside him through his hardships only to let me walk alone in my hardships.
Looking at the face which is frozen inside the photo with a smile.
All the stitches done in the past one year to heal the wounds rip open revealing them raw. It burns like hell. Tears flow down my cheeks in an attempt to put down the burning fire. The torment of fire inside won't stop nor the tears. Not in this life without him.
My mind can't still believe Nick's dead. I want to go and wait forever in the restaurant believing Nick would come at last saying ‘Leila, sorry I was late.’
The way those hazel green eyes look lovingly at me, the way his voice sounds when he laughs, the way he would caress my cheek all seemed like a dream. A dream that's too good to be true.

I place the white roses in front of his photo which is beside his mother's photo, wondering what he would say of these roses if........if at all he was alive.
Everybody around me mourns in silence but I can hear their hearts crying in agony as the dear son, brother and a loving friend died this day last year.
We were supposed to meet at a restaurant for a dinner date on the same day last year. I was waiting for a long time but he never showed up,  meanwhile, he was drowning in a river fighting for air. If only, I hadn't forced him to come, he would have been alive. I'm sorry Nick. It's all because of me.
The news of his death reached me the next day. I went totally insane unable to believe it. I was completely shattered and my life turned into a living hell. Even breathing became very painful. I cried and cried and when I finally didn't have any tears left, I would stare into the void. I believed I was the reason behind his death and the guilt made my heart heavier and heavier.. making me impossible to move on.
Dian would hug me until I stopped crying and would hear me every time rambling about the same thing again and again. I started to feel better with her by my side. She was worried about me but she never showed it in front of me. I realized that I was giving a hard time for my family and friends and that I have to move on from Nick's death at least for their sake. I diverted all my attention to my work and tried to forget about Nick. But I could never forget about him.
Thinking about it now, it's sad that I wished to forget about him but I'm happy at least he lives within me. The warmth of his love still lingers within me and it'll never fade for the rest of my life.
I left the Khanna mansion after an hour. It was nice to talk about Nick after a long time but at the same time, I miss him terribly. I hope I will somehow manage to live the rest of my life without him.