dear first love,

delusional (pt. 1)

i grew up watching movies about how a man can light up your life, and it'll allow you to live happily ever after in love. as if a man is a necessity, and you cannot be happy without one.
i thought love at first sight was possible, you fall in love only once.. it gave me such high expectations. i expected every man to be loyal and kind. i expected men to understand boundaries, and that no means no.

just like every other child, i wasn't taught about independence and it caused me to be delusional.. but i grew older, and realized this living hell we call life isn't just some fairytale. it all smacked me in the face, faster than a tornado.
there isn't a happy ever after waiting for us at the other end.  there isn't always a light at the other side of the tunnel. sometimes, the tunnel is never ending. its dark, and sometimes you get so tired of the tunnel you feel like you're suffocating, like the walls are caving in on you.

i remember the feeling of numbness when a man has disregarded my boundaries. i was too weak to do anything, except make muffled sounds under his hand covering my mouth.
it felt like i was standing in the rain, in an empty field, no coat or umbrella. i was standing there, still. shivering and cold, but i was unable to become warm, there was no help around. no houses to go to..nothing. all i could do was stand there, and hope the rain goes away. It's a deep, deep feeling of helplessness.

i realized love was only a thing people made up to feel less lonely. i didn't believe in love, the only thing protecting me from this rain is the dark tunnel.. bathing in my sadness.
will the rain ever stop? will i ever stop feeling so empty? will the tunnel ever stop and have light at the other end?