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"better"

Over the next few days Jude fell into a routine. He got up when he was told to, and did what he knew would make other people happy. He showered every day, brushed hair and plastic smile.

He could go to a real chair and pour over his pages, but he felt himself constantly glancing toward the girl at the window. There were very few things that felt real to Jude, and Steph was the only one who he hadn't managed to lose, completely at least.

Jude had asked to see his parents, but they told him no, he was in a fragile state. He hasn't made enough progress with his therapist. Didn't talk enough during group. But Jude was doing his own form of therapy. He made a bet.

He watched everyone else too, perhaps out of sheer boredom. Beth would adjust the plastic bowl of candy every 7th minute of every 2 hours. Nilla would do yoga every morning that was supposed to "calm her" but every time she fell over the started to rip up the mat, there wasn't much left at this point. Jude still couldn't get over the fact she was named after a generic cookie. Not coincidence, she told us that in group, to be honest he didn't blame her for her outbursts. And James would always watch the powerball numbers even though he didn't have a ticket.

Whenever he was sure no one was looking Jude would try move a pencil across the table. Some part of him acknowledged it was ludacris, but so much of him didn't want it to be. But every time he tried he believed a little less, reality weighing down on him like a sore muscle.

That day when Jude went to therapy he noticed Dr. Post had shaved his whole beard, both his shoes tied with double knots.

"Got a date Dr. Post?"

He looked confused a moment, but he supposed patients with at least some insight wasn't that rare of an occurrence.

"No, just a meeting with my boss. But let's focus on you, is there anything you wanna bring up today."

"Why do you like living?"

"Because it's hard sometimes, but you can find joy, beauty in everything."

"But what's the point, there's always going to be 2 horrible things for every good one. You can't control it, you can just choose to see the good."

"No Jude, you can't. We can't choose to ignore every ugly thing we see in others, or ourselves, but we can better ourselves, and surround ourselves with those who are trying to better themselves."

He thought about Stephanie, he thought about Emma. How he knew Steph wanted to die. Because he had met her before.

"What if we love someone who doesn't make us better. Who won't get better."

"Is there someone you want to talk about Jude?"

"No."

"This is a safe space. You can tell me about them."

"No I can't."

"Jude if you want to make progress-"

He felt the tears begin to well up in his eyes.

" I can't tell you about her."