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reflections

Jude went to Stephanie's window. He didn't even think when he did it. But maybe that was all the better.

She looked at him, his pleading eyes that shone under the harsh fluorescent lighting.

"Jude, just leave, it was all stupid anyways."

"No, it wasn't. Can I talk to you, please?"

She didn't say a word, just perched her head atop her knees. Jude sat down anyway, even if he couldn't quite decipher her answer.

"Can I tell you how I knew."

She stayed quiet again, he just wanted a single word.

"That girl Emma I told you about, that park I told you about. I was there, the day I did it."

She peeked up the finest bit, unsure if interest of pity.

"Emma was the only thing that felt, real, she always knew what to do. She was every good memory I had. She was that one perfect day, and hundreds more.

When we got older, and less control I had over everything, the more she became to me. She took care of me, and I loved her. Not like she loved me though, I couldn't control that either.

Then one day the girl who peeled the shells of acorns to make it easier for the squirrels, wasn't anymore. So I became obsessive, I read that book over and over again because I wanted something that felt like her, the old her.

She got this boyfriend, he was big and angry, older. He became her everything, she don't care about anything else. He didn't want her having friends, leaving her house, made her quit dancing, said she was too old. She had nothing left to love but him.

It was her birthday, she turned 17. We were at a pizza place with a few other people. She never left his arm. Then she started to eat a second slice. He grabbed her arm so tight I could feel it. She was so broken, she was so scared. And all I wanted was to take care of her, like she took care of me.

He took her to the back, I followed, he didn't see me. He hit her Steph, she started crying. He made her repeat what she'd learned, tossed her into the bathroom to fix herself before walking out smiling with his friends."

"Jude you don't have to do this.."

"A few days later I made her come to the tree with me. She was paranoid, constantly assuming he would he there, one step behind...

"Emma you need to stop, he hurts you Emma!"

"He loves me, all couples are like that, everyone fights."

"Not like that you have to listen, he could kill you Emma!"

"Your just jealous of him!"

"Of what, that he gets to punch you for eating a slice of pizza!"

She looked broken, betrayed.

"How did you know about that Jude."

"I-"

"How!"

"I followed you, at your birthday party."

"You shouldn't have done that Jude", she said it as almost a whisper.

"Emmy."

Her face twisted, her jaw dropping and shaking.

"You never call me that. Your the only one who for doesn't call me that."

She looked down, that last bit of control she had, specks small as the sun light running through the leaves, be scattered with the wind.

Jude realized in that moment why he loved her. Because they both knew what it was to have no control. Jude gave into it, spiraling into sorrow. Emma tried to take care of him, let him he her thing to control, to fix. But you can't fix people.

So she gave control to someone else, she gave everything of herself up someone cause they were willing to take it from her.

"Do you think I loved you Jude! You think I didn't know! Were were obsessed with each other Jude!"

"Emma."

"I don't even know why I cared! You never cared! You were just soaking in self pity. I tried to fix you Jude, I wanted to fix you! But you didn't want to be fixed! Pain was the only thing that felt real to you so you wallowed in it. You didn't even try! You think I didn't need you!"

"Emma I'm stupid I didn't know."

"Of course you did! Of course you knew! You've always had everyone taking care of you Jude, I finally found someone to take care of me."

"He hurts you Emma, actually hurts you."

"You need to go."

"Emma."

"Now!" She screamed it. Then she bent down, grabbed a rock to throw at him. "Get the hell out of my life Jude! Just leave!"

"Please-"

"Go!" She finally threw it at him, she missed. But the fact she threw it it all, it made Jude realize why she lost faith in him, the very reason he was losing it in her. You can't fix people, you can't fix yourself.

"You can't fix me Jude I don't," she had to take a second, wheezing, "love you."...

"That's the night I did it Steph. I didn't care what my last meal was, the last song I listened to. I did it holding my book, because it reminded me of her. Of how I knew she wanted to die. She wanted control so bad she would rather have nothing to control, so I took it. I thought it was for her, it wasn't. It was stupid, it was selfish, I couldn't see there are beautiful things too."

"Jude you didn't have to tell me all that."

"I did, because I don't want you to die Steph. Remember that day in the rain when you saw my sleeve?"

He pulled them down in that one instance. They were still bandaged, but now they reminded Jude of snow.

As she ran her finger across his scars he continued. "I can't believe I didn't see it before, I think it's because I didn't want to think of you like Emma, I didn't want you to lose that much. But you have, so much."

Her hand slid into his, the yellow tubing from her nose tangling between their legs.

"Your starving yourself Steph. You can't control that. And I know your not getting better cause they put you on a feeding tube, that's what it is isn't it?"

She looked out the window, a silent tear running down her cheek, making the corners of her eyes more red and raw then they already were.

"Steph I can still think of so many reasons so die. But I can think of why not to. All those things you try to convince yourself are beautiful, they are. They just are and there's nothing else to it."