yellow ✧gxg ✧

✧ session one ✧

           i r i s

i wanted to fade underneath the bright lights of the office. i pulled my sweatshirt down and tried to hide myself even further. i am not proud of myself, i am not proud of anything about me. especially since it brought me here. my mother suggested that i should talk to other kids my age. i was seventeen and i had no friends, not even from school. i didn't do any activities and i bombed all of my classes.

          i was a failure. and being here was a constant reminder of that. i signed in on the empty paper at the front desk of the fancy clinic, and then i sat in the waiting room next to my mom. "it will be okay iris, you're going to be just fine," she mumbled, squeezing my hand in hers.

        i didn't want to be touched. i just wanted to be left alone. i didn't need coaxing, i wasn't a baby. i just wanted to be alone. i am such a wimp. and talking to these random strangers will not make it better.

        "iris cooper?" i flinched. wimp. you're stupid, you're so stupid. and ugly and fat and gross and stupid- "hi, i'm vanessa hopkins, it's very nice to meet you," she said softly, she didn't shake my hand or anything, she just gave me a small smile. she had short brown hair and grey glasses. she looked ok, very inviting and calmish. at least that's how she seemed.

        "yeah," was all i said. and then i let go of my moms hand, clearly embarrassed, wanting her to leave. "bye," i said quickly. and she looked worried, but she still stood there watching as i disappeared down the hall past a door.

        "welcome to session one. you might be confused as to why you're alone in my office, but that's because i need to know what kind of group care would benefit you best, and what environment too. we do indoor and outdoor settings, quiet and loud places on our private grounds of course. just so i know what to pick, i'm going to ask you a few questions before we set you up for group," she said guiding me into an office like room. very plain, and uncomfortable looking. it made my anxiety peak. i didn't like talking, especially to people who were important. "here at mindshare we like for our patients to be comfortable and respected. i could just put you in a group based on your age, but here we like for our patients to connect with people that will help them understand different aspects of life while still being comfortable and considered."

        all of her words felt like a jumble in my head and i hardly took any of that in, i just nodded. "would you prefer to speak your preference or answer a questionnaire?" she asked with a smile.

         "questions would be...good, yeah," i said awkwardly. as soon as i started to fidget with my hands, flicking my nails in between the other, she moved a box toward me, and handed me one of those fidget cube things. you're such a baby. you're distracting her. why can't you just be normal?

          i laughed awkwardly and took it, playing with the joystick as she pulled up the questions on her computer. "loud or quiet environment?" she asked me.

          "quiet," i mumbled, looking down at my dirty vans. your thighs are so fat.

         "relaxed or contemporary furniture. this would be, sitting on a bean bag chair or laying or a yoga mat, rather than sitting in a chair or on a bench," she explained.

          "bean bags are cool," i said quietly. you sound so fucking dumb. why can't you speak up? i felt tears prickle in my eyes. why did i say yes to this? why couldn't i have just stayed home in my room like always?

           "would you like to be doing something while we discuss? like comforting distractions such as gardening, yoga, meditation, tea and incense, walking, video games, or soothing music. if so, list some of those things you would like," she said, gesturing her pen encouragingly.

          i bit my lip, "i-i um," why am i sweating? "i like soft music, but i think staying inside is fine. i-i don't have to do anything," i insisted. she nodded and started writing on her pad vigorously. did i say something wrong? was that not the right answer? i should've just picked something! she gave me a bunch of options, now i seem ungrateful.

         "now," she said setting her pad down on her desk. "my final question is the most important. would you prefer to be in a small group or a large group setting?" she asked.

           i had thought about this question before and i knew the answer was large group. if i were in a small group then they'd focus on me more. sure talking in front of all those people will scare me, but the more people there are, the more i go unseen and i don't have to volunteer to speak. "uh, large group," i said slowly, as if i were pretending to decide on my heavily premeditated answer.

          "thank you for your time, your next session will be in your group once it is assigned. we will assign you with people that will benefit you through sharing and listening," she said passionately. i could tell she really liked her job. "is it okay if i shake your hand? and what pronouns do you prefer iris?" she asked softly.

         i felt embarrassed because people usually didn't ask me that. they didn't care enough to. "she and her today," i said softly. i smiled and reached my hand out for her to shake though i felt embarrassed. "th-thank you for asking me," i mumbled shyly. stupid. you're a girl just act like a girl. you're so complicated.

           "we ask all our patients," she said softly. and then she let me out of her office. our encounter had only been thirty minutes or so including the tour around the building. it was very big, it had about five floors too. each floor was designed with a certain kind of room to fit people's needs. and every room had sound barriers, which left the halls quiet and calm. after seeing the whole building i didn't feel so anxious about the place.

          vanessa was very nice. but i was afraid to meet anyone else. high school was already bad enough.

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          here is a visual of iris.