【 ᴍᴀꜱᴋꜱ 】 ✓

29 | guilt

Natsuki's P.O.V:

I trembled in my seat, my stomach knotting in on itself and destroying any hope of self-worth and reassurance. Monika's lament, Sayori's mourning and Yuri's demise; they were all byproducts of me telling Sayori. I always knew that opening my mouth would have caused problems, but I never could have even begun to imagine that this would have been the result. I had hurt everyone in the worst ways imaginable - I had warped their minds into even more of a sense of worthlessness than ever before.

I never was one to put the blame on myself and subject myself to torture at the cost of my thoughts, but this was an exception. Because it was the truth. I and no one else had caused this, and if I had just shut my dumb mouth everyone would be happy. Maybe I wouldn't have been with Sayori, but I'd rather have been content knowing Yuri would have still been alive than to be selfish and put my needs first.

I live with Sayori now. After my father's disappearance into the night, I've been disallowed to stay in his house, or stay anywhere on my own without supervision. This isn't the case legally; it's more of an unsolicited offering from Sayori. She never lets me out of her sight now. She says my safety is more important than anything else. I beg to differ. But I daren't argue with her judgement in this state. I can barely form coherent sentences by myself, let alone fully constructed arguments about how and why I deserve punishment from my father for my selfish actions.

My heart is pounding like a drum. It's fluctuating, and it's making me feel outrageously discomforted. I daren't repeat myself, but I think you already know what I'm going to say.

I think it's obvious that the painfully average feel one of the worst kinds of pain. It's the pain of not expecting the worst when it will indefinitely come. Of course, this pain is nothing compared to extraordinarily unfortunate strangers my age, living through war, famine, pestilence and death. There is always someone who has is worse off than me - and the realisation of this is perhaps the most depressing part.

Sayori appeared around the corner. She had been in the kitchen, making us breakfast. She's improved a lot since the first time she tried. I'm so proud of her.

"Hey, Suki. Are you okay?" Sayori asked, as she placed the ramen on the table and sat in the opposing seat. I picked at it slowly. The fact I was getting food on a daily, consistent basis was still tragically unfamiliar to me.

"Yeah..." I lied, grasping my fork and slowly twirling the ramen around at a melancholy pace.

She didn't say anything else. Perhaps she realised that I was lying, or maybe it was another reason entirely. The tension was so thick that even a knife couldn't have cut it.

"Is Monika okay?" I asked after a few moments of the unbearable silence.

"There's some progress, but it's going to take a while. Monika informed me a few hours ago that she experienced another episode of hallucinations. We can only hope for a rapid recovery at this moment in time."

I wasn't used to hearing Sayori speaking as formally as that. Something sounded off about her. I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt a sharp spike. As though someone or something had impaled my heart with a jagged razor blade.

"This is all my fucking fault."

I had said it without thinking twice. I watched in subtle horror as her expression dropped, plunging into denial. "No! This isn't your fault at all."

"Think about it." I continued. "I was the one that told you. If I had just kept quiet and endured it, you wouldn't have texted Monika. Monika wouldn't have brought Yuri with her, and Yuri would still be alive. Don't you see? I was the one that caused all of this to happen. I was the one that started the hellfire. This is my doing, and I deserve to be duly punished for it. Not just for Yuri's sake, but for everyone involved that night."

Sayori's expression softened. I assumed that she had gotten over the shock of my sudden outburst. She rose out from her seat. Instinctively, I did the same. She practically sprinted up to me, and pulled me into a tight, yet warm and welcoming embrace. I felt at peace and in comfort, for a moment in this neverending pit of self-hatred, loss, blame and mourning.

"Natsuki... I'm not going to blame you for thinking like this. After all, that's how I've always looked at the world. Everything was always my fault, even if it was plainly obvious that I had nothing to do with it. I blame myself, too. I think of all the things I could have done to save her as much as you do. But the truth is, sometimes there's nothing we can do. Sometimes, we just have to accept that the people we love are gone, and they're not coming back. That's the hardest part of acceptance. But it's the harsh reality of our world. We live, we lose, we die. But what matters is what happens between those times; the events that occur, the people we meet, the things that completely change our lives. I thought all of that was just some distant pipe dream I told myself to feel better, but it's real."

"How do you know it is?" I mumbled. My eyes were glued to the floor. Sayori placed her hand under my chin and lifted my head up gently. I gazed into her eyes. They were like sparkling sapphires; bright, blue and beautiful. I never stared at her enough. She was so magnificent. My heart pounded.

"I think it's pretty self explainatory, Suki."

Then our lips met, and for the first time in ages, my heart was exposed to saturated bursts of colourful emotion. Happiness, something I figured I was forbidden to feel after Yuri's passing, flowed through me like a multicoloured wave. Sayori had the key to my happiness that had been sealed away in my heart for so long. It wasn't okay to feel so happy so soon, but in that moment I never wanted to let go.

And that's when I realised that my heart was now her's, and her's was mine. We don't need to say that that's the way it is, because some things are better left unsaid, but it was the truth.

You are my only sunshine.

A/N:
Okay, I won't mind admitting that I definitely considered ending the story here. I know that there are many questions unanswered and many things left undisclosed; but I actually have a sequel planned after this. It's drafted right now, and I plan to work on it after Masks' completion, but I'm genuinely curious as to what you all think, now that Sayori and Natsuki are canon in this fanfiction (yay, finally!)! Should I leave it here, or provide more disclosure / backstory / lore to it? I genuinely have no idea, and I'd love to hear your opinions on the matter in the comments below! Thank you so much, and I love you all!