EPHEMERAL || BBH

The Thirty-Minute Distance ❁

*.☽.*

...I saw tears forming in his eyes.

Guilt.
It was guilt that took over me the moment I saw the pain in his eyes. How could I ever have forgotten that this was his battle too? How could I have only focused on myself? To my pain, to my insecurities. But then, as I think about it now...I kept asking myself, would things get better or worse after this? Would I be able to handle more issues like this in the future?

When I was at church this morning, I thought about my life in Australia. How long would I be able to delay my return? My parents were waiting for me, my whole life was waiting for me. It almost seemed like I had everything put on hold just to come here. Looking back, I was so sure about everything, every decision that led me here. About him, about us. I was so sure. I swear, I was so sure.

I didn't know what's gotten to me but I suddenly felt unsure.

And now, as I was staring at him, I couldn't help but continue to cry. I felt so bad that he had to ask me to trust him because I failed to do it in the first place. I doubted him by choosing to listen to my apprehensions.

So, maybe I don't deserve him. Maybe he deserved someone strong enough to handle the pressure. Maybe he deserved someone who could truly understand his job.

Maybe, it wasn't me.

I closed my eyes as I lifted my hands so I could remove his from cupping my face. When I looked at him, I saw how confusion took over his face. His eyes were full of questions. His lips, slightly parted but no words came out of his mouth. He was just staring back at me, probably waiting for me to rationalize and justify my actions.

I was still holding his hands, taking them between us as I struggled to find the right words to say.

"You..." I muttered but paused as I sobbed. "I don't think..." I stopped once more hoping that I could at least let the words out. "I don't think I deserve you..."

I bit my lower lip as I tilted my head down to gaze at our hands before I started to let go of him. I saw how his hands limply fell to his sides.

"W-what are you t-talking about?" He asked stuttering, his voice a bit shaky.

I brought my hands to my face to wipe my tears before I gathered every ounce of courage I had to face him once more. It was excruciating. Seeing how he gazed at me unbelievably like I just said the most ridiculous thing ever. Hurt was evident in his expressions and it was obvious that he was tensed because kept wetting his lips and even biting them.

"I don't...I don't think I'm strong enough Baekhyun. I thought I was." I moved my head sideways.  "I thought I was brave, it turns out I'm not."

"I..." He took a deep breath as he turned the other way, lifting a hand to run his fingers through his hair. "I don't understand Hae Won." He said, meeting my eyes once more.

I went silent for a few moments as I let out a few sobs while convincing myself to verbalize what I had to say. I opened my mouth but eventually closed it once more because of my inability to come up with the right words.

"Baby." He muttered as he slightly bent down, and brought his hands on my cheeks to wipe my tears. "Maybe you're just confused right now." He let out a hesitant smile. "Why don't we go hiking for a bit to clear your mind, hmm? Maybe you just need some time to think. Let's go." He talked fast in a slightly panicky voice.

Without any warning, he grabbed my hand and led the way. I was so unprepared he was able to carry my whole weight with him. I stared at his back while we made a few steps away from the car and the pain I felt in my heart seemed to grow over my chest. I couldn't stand this anymore, letting him do this would only make things more painful.