blue ✧ gxg ✧

✧chapter three ✧

"sage please."

i couldn't sleep, not even if i tried. anytime i'd close my eyes i'd hear that voice and it wouldn't go away. i stared at the ceiling after giving up on trying to sleep. i did not like rose. not at all. but i couldn't stop thinking about her, and how she was sleeping below me. a crazy part of me wanted to get out of bed and lay down there with her, i just couldn't understand why.

i could see that she was texting from the bright light that shined below me. she was probably texting her very real girlfriend whom i should respect and stop being creepy towards rose.

i sat up and rubbed my eyes. i tried everything that makes me sleepy. i tried listening to music, reading the bible, and playing chess online. nothing worked. eventually my head felt like it was on fire and i gave into my thoughts.

i slipped in my headphones and turned on no exit by childish gambino. i then let out a sigh and let my mind run free. i had to let it all out somehow so i could sleep.

dear someone,

there's no way to go
paths left open
strange positions
hearts left broken
i don't know what it is
i just want to forget it while I can
i know I can't change the universe
but I'd try just for a day
and then time will continue
where you and I exist in a place that isn't real
everything remains as it was before
undamaged
unbroken
unsolved
just...a thought in my mind
a scary thought in which you and I exist together
i don't like it
but I can't stop it
a thought
you are a dangerous thought
that's all you'll ever be
a terrible idea

i felt tears sting in my eyes as i wrote. i couldn't be gay, and i don't like rose. what is wrong with me?

i cried myself to sleep that night.

✧

i woke up early, only sleeping for an hour or so. i kept hearing someone calling my name in my sleep. it was staring to creep me out the more often it had been happening.

i climbed down the side of the bunk carefully, everyone was still asleep. i turned my back and dropped my sweats, putting on a pair of shorts. i also grabbed my face wash.

before i left i looked down at rose, sleeping facing the wall. did i really feel those things about her?

i shook it off and went into the bathroom to get dressed. "hey girl, good morning," ashley said cheerily, washing her hands in the sink next to me.

"good morning," i replied quietly. she was never nice to me before, why now?

"cool face wash," she giggled, "i like the color."

i gave her an awkward smile, "yeah," i mumbled. the mask said to leave on for fifteen minutes, so after i was done getting dressed and brushing my teeth, i headed back into my room. everyone was awake by then sitting up on their beds.

"hey, look who joined the blue man group," rose said sleepily, rubbing her eyes. "you look like a smurf."

i laughed, feeling like a rock was in my throat. i looked at her, and i felt nervous. that was new. it's nothing. "i'm gonna go see if everyone else is awake, you coming?" i asked intently. she was busy looking down at her phone, like always, but i wasn't one to complain.

"i'll be there in a second, i need to brush my teeth," she said pulling herself out of bed. i nodded and left out, shutting the door behind me.

i just needed to get my mind off of this. it was driving me crazy feeling like i felt a certain way, but knowing that i truly didn't. it was like i was fighting my own brain to be right about something.