so this is life.

damn. ok.

     jesus i never update this damn thing. ok so it's now 2019, and i have rekindled my passion for smut, but also just giving these updates. so, the last time i talked was at the end of summer, my PEAK, to say the least.
    
but now i'm in school. yum.

     let me just say, when the movies say that hell i real, when the preachers yell at you that fire awaits, they're talking abt one place, and that is High School. goddamnit, this shit SUCKS. PERIODT.
     so a little back story: summer wasn't my peak, 8th grade was. oh my fuCKING *breath* GOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!! 8th grade was a mother fucking DELIGHT! i was making good grades, i was at the PEAK of social performance, no longer scared to walk the halls or intimidated by upperclassmen. i was at the top of the damn food chain, my fucking rein is NOTORIOUS!! i finally beat my anxiety, depression, body self-consciousness, and over all belittling of myself to a pulp, a tinny voice instead of a massive forte in my mind. i was not only surviving, but THRIVING. i didn't give two measly SHITS abt ANYTHING except band and choir, and i could make it with that. school was at the back of my mind, bc everything was so easy.

then high school came along, and though i usually like being fucked in the ass, high school did it with a fucking chain saw that had fire on it.

     when i say that high school is nothing like jhigh, i FUCKING MEAN IT!! remember that mentality i had in 8th grade, yeah i went into high school with that... needless to say i had 2 break downs on my first week of school.

high school took everything i had, threw it out the window, and said, "here, have this," 'this', being a FUCKING BOMB.

the only thing keeping me sane was my witchcraft and band, and sometimes not even that!! high school IS the struggle bus, and you're forced to be a damn passenger, weather you like it or not. it's tuff, and though my i'm still ok with the whole, depression, anxiety, body issues and upperclassmen thing, i realize that my 8th grade mentality is NOT gonna cut it.

i'm thankful for the people who have helped me and for the people who have stayed with me.

so yeah that's abt it. it's february and it's FUCKING COLD.

i'm ready for spring. i feel persephone coming.

thanks,
topaz.