Become A Ghost

Become A Ghost, Chapter Fifteen

Orihime came slowly to consciousness, feeling like she had to slog through waist-high mud to do it. She fought through the grey flannel layers of her mind until she struggled to wakefulness.

Movement came slower; her eyes weighed a thousand kilos each, and her limbs were heavier still. When she was finally able to open her eyes, she was a bit confused to see the clear blue sky visible overhead through the yellow daffodils rising tall all around her.

"Oh," she said, recognizing her inner world, though she had not meditated in order to enter it as was usually necessary. "That's weird."

It took another few minutes before she was able to sit up, and she was so weak she couldn't sit up and had to brace her arms behind her to keep from flopping back. Frowning, she puzzled over how she'd come to be there. Her last memory was of being carried by Byakuya through the night, toward the estate... then nothing. She supposed she'd fallen asleep, and guessed he'd put her to bed, but that didn't explain why she was in her inner world, or why she was so weak... 

Ugh, whatever, she thought, feeling a bit despondent. She was starting to feel a familiar mood come over her, a mood she recognized from the time when she'd been in the fullest grip of her love of Ichigo. It was a feeling of lassitude borne of frustration and despair; it was the resignation that she was in love with someone who could not, would never, be able to love her back. Orihime huffed out a breath, closed her eyes, and let her head hang back. 

"Holy fucking shit, woman!" screeched a tiny, outraged voice, and then Tsubaki came pelting out of nowhere to launch himself directly into the center of her forehead with such force that her wobbly arms gave way and she collapsed to the ground. 

"Tsu-" she began.

"You're lucky I didn't split your empty head like a melon!" he continued, shrill with fury.

"But-"

 He quivered with wrath as he fluttered before her, mid-air. "I can't take any more of this moping self-pity! I'm going to kick you in your lopsided ass if you don't stop it right now!"

Orihime wibbled as the other five fairies flew into view. "Shun'ou-san, I-"

"Tsubaki has a good point, Orihime-san," he interrupted gently. "You're very ill right now, and it's because you have rather... unhelpful ways of coping with your problems."

"I'm ill?" That explained her weakness, but worse... Orihime reeled not only from being pummeled by Tsubaki but sweet Shun'ou's bluntness. "What unhelpful ways?"

Tsubaki let out a wordless howl of rage and zoomed off.

"Let's put it in clinical terms," Shun'ou said. "You have terrible self-esteem, a pathologically strong denial defense mechanism, and for a psychiatrist, remarkably poor self-awareness."

Shy Ayame fluttered closer. "You have to conquer all of these things if you ever hope to achieve bankai," she whispered in Orihime's ear.

"I'm not as self-unaware as you think," Orihime protested, "I know that my powers-- that all of you-- are because I'm in denial about things that I wish weren't happening."

"But there is so much more that you must face and overcome," Shun'ou said. "Without it, there is no progress. There is no mastery. You will remain, and stagnate. Is this something that appeals to you?"

Orihime slumped. She didn't want to face her insecurities. She didn't want to examine the causes of her poor self-esteem, didn't want to enhance her ability to accept unfortunate reality. 

On the other hand, if something bad happened again, she didn't want to be unprepared. She didn't want to let anyone down, and she certainly didn't want to be unable to help or heal someone when things went south.